Mothering is Hard.

When they were little, I was a model mother. I never raised my voice or said a curse word out loud. They knew that Mama was their steady, gentle place.

The years go by and peel away my cool facade, and my nerves are chipped, my tongue is careless, and I fall short of being the role model I had hoped.

And then, when they creep up to my height, and no doubt have surpassed my own intelligence, their journeys takes a turn that is too reminiscent of my own growing up--and I remember thinking as a younger mother--it would never happen to us. It's the moment when my game is up, my mask is shredded, and I am called out to be the imperfect mother...by them.

It's the moment when the flaws I've tried to escape are held against me by the children I tried to protect.

No matter how many times I share the old saying with my children:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones 

but words will never hurt me,"

 I prove to be a hypocrite to my own advice. Because words DO hurt. They dig deep, and they unearth all the insecurity that a good mother should not have. Or at least, the insecurity I THINK a good mother should not have.

It doesn't take long for my kids to find the chance to remind me that, "You talk to Dad that way, so why can't I?" or "You care more about writing than about us," or "You are a liar. You went back on your word," or... the list goes on and on.

The rational part of me knows that it's normal, not okay, but normal for adolescents to throw around opinions and possibly manipulate a situation to take the heat off of themselves. I know that. But there are moments when the weight of defeat is so heavy on my shoulders that by the time my husband walks in the door, I can barely speak. The regret of all my mistakes, my disappointment, and my  hopelessness that our relationship will ever heal are crippling tragedies beneath a roof where I, in all my other flaws, used to at least be a good mother.

But then there are times, sweet, redeeming times when the children who I've given an obvious ability to speak their minds, also have discerning insight to fess up when they're wrong and ask for forgiveness. And I am usually ready for that peace. It's an unusual dance between a mother and a child--a tug o' war of discord and harmony in this strange phase of growing up. It's more intellectual, and heart-deep than when I'd once coached little tots and said, "that isn't nice, you need to apologize for your actions."

Lashing tongues might inflict scars, but I'm still awed by their willingness to make things right by their own prompting.

While all the mothering I attempted more often than not appears to fall flat on judgmental ears, these heartfelt apologies give me a peek at the man trying to outgrow the child of each of my boys.

And that's when mothering finds a bit of reward. Or at least, some relief from all the mess, all the proof that mothering is not just a sweet duty to infants and toddlers, but its an excruciating commitment to growing people. If there is anything I've learned from raising adolescents and teens, it's the very real, very humbling fact that, mothering is hard.

Raising Up Adults: A Mama's Discipline Revelation

This house has been pretty tense lately. Who ever said boys are easy? Especially teenage boys? More often than not, I am walking on eggshells when my kids are in the same room as each other, prepping myself for the next throw down.
Ugh.
The other day, it got bad. Real bad. Gnashing of teeth bad. And I found myself spouting off a gazillion consequences at different moments of the afternoon. And I heard my conscience whisper, "That ain't gonna work."
I was at a loss on how to parent these kids.
After hashing out my frustration with a friend who has a little more wisdom with older kids, I took a deep breath and remembered a bit of advice I had recently read.

Parents aren't here to raise kids, their job is to raise up adults.

I think a big problem around here has been my mentality that parenting means I put my children in their place as a child. Besides just getting wrapped up in their emotions, trying to figure out the best consequence to remind them they are under my control and I'm the boss, ('Mwahahahaha' would probably be appropriate here) might just be a bit outdated. Don't get me wrong, consequences are certainly a good and necessary thing for bad behavior, but the nature of the consequences, perhaps the frequency, must shift as my children grow.

More than dishing out consequences, I should model what it means to be the adult. I am their biggest adult model besides their dad. 

That changed the ball game a bit. That gave me  advice I 'd never given them before. 

I forced myself to teach them as an adult instead of bearing over them like an authority figure. 

During this last blow out (means something different post-diaper stage), instead of taking away iPhones, friends, and privileges, I gave them a scenario on adult terms and grabbed their attention on a more intellectual level, instead of a "gimme your stuff, bad boy" hand-slap disciplinarian action.

Their ears perked when I gave them a peek at my adult perspective.

What teen doesn't want to be talked to about adult things in an adult way?

Just a couple of years ago, they saw Dad and I struggle badly, basically we treated each other in a way that induced misery on all who were involved. BUT, BECAUSE WE WORKED AT IT LIKE ADULTS (finally...it took a LOT of childish actions to turn our ways) I had the privilege of reminding the first-hand witnesses--aka my children--how my husband and I both chose LOVE to make it work. 

A very real adult circumstance redeemed by a choice that goes against every childish tendency in our selfish human nature. Something fighting siblings might use as an internal a-ha moment next time they are tempted to spiral into a fighting mess.

Sometimes, I find myself trapping my kids in this box where discipline was once all about raising a good, well-behaved child. But they've grown well past that now. They need to learn to be adults. And I can tell they'd love to be treated that way. It's my job as their parent to guide them as best as I can...even if it means sharing the messiness of my own poor choices. 

I vow to raise my kids to be adults. They'll thank me sooner than later, I bet!

Pre-Teen Dating?

It was pretty obvious when I was a new mom. There were lots of "versus" in the mommy world...

Breastfeeding vs formula
Babywise vs attachment parenting
stay-at-home mom vs working mom
homeschool vs school
etc.

And with each side, depending on where I was, once I accepted my stance on the issue, I grew in pride and judgement for the other side....or sometimes, jealousy.

I always poo-poo'd my mom who would say, "When I raised kids, I just parented how I thought best. I didn't care what everyone else was doing."

"Well, we've evolved mom," I would say. And studies have been done...and books have been written...and...

Years later, I can honestly say that I am a little jealous of my mom's attitude (even if it may be tainted with thirty-some years of growing kids, sending them off, and helping with grandchildren). Because, in this over-socialized, over-opinionated, black-and-white media-driven culture, I realize that too often I let what some "stranger-psychologist" or "philosophy" says is best to shape my efforts in parenting.

So, to bring it down to real-life, here is my latest struggle:

Even thinking that makes me cringe.

...I just didn't think...

I just hoped it wouldn't be an issue for our kids...

I just...

Yeah, well, my rose-colored glasses were thrown to the ground when my son asked me if he could, "ask her out?" a month ago.

At least he asked me first, right?

My brain was flooded with all the mom blogs I have read, the parenting books I have scoured, and even the mom-speaking conferences, workshops, and MOPS meetings I went to. And I recall terms like, "courtship"and "dating contracts". But then, I looked back at my own summer before 8th grade and how I would have been ecstatic to "be asked out". In my mind, it would have meant that a boy had noticed me. And let's face it, thirteen year olds want to be noticed. Yeah, I was a little boy crazy, but I was a pretty level-headed kid with big dreams for my future career, and great desire for academic success. And I liked boys.

Now, I am not saying that we should allow our kids to think wanting that attention is important and a need to be filled, I am just saying...I know what it's like. And sometimes, as a parent, I forget to tap into my own experience and remember that.

But regardless, as a mom of an almost thirteen year old, I froze at this topic. I felt like I might be a disappointment in the parenting community if I chose wrongly (not that I should really care about others' opinions...but, um, it's a major flaw of mine). I might be labeled as "too strict" if I went one way, or "too lax" if I went the other.

Mostly, I was scared to death that whatever move I made, would be detrimental to my son.

And, really, I think it boils down to all the hype out there forced upon us as parents. The biggest obstacle as a parent today is black and white thinking.
I mean, as parents, we are easy targets. We want the best for our kids...and we want to keep them from the mistakes we felt our parents' made. So if someone has had success and coined it to share with us, then by all means! Parenting for dummies...yep, sign me up!

If...then
Only this way, not that way
This is the best way
That is the proven way

But is life really that clearly drawn?

Once I allowed a conversation to grow organically between my son and me...I realized I couldn't just apply what I had read, or easily label my next parenting approach. I had to look at the whole picture, and gauge my son as an individual who was allowing me to be a part of this stepping stone in growing up (Praise the Lord).

A few years ago, I might have thought I needed to say "no" to this. To put my foot down and say, "YOU are NOT growing up so fast. You are too young for a girlfriend."

But now? After we've talked, and he's shown me his heart (and his oh-so-sweet-innocence shining through), and I know what kind of kid he is...does the above approach take him into account at all? Or is it a control thing for me?

I know there are great ideas out there like "courtship" and "dating contracts", and my advice to my son has borrowed ideas from both of those concepts...as well as others. It's not black and white at all. It's all different shades...and so it should be. He is my purposefully-created child, who only fits his own mold.

If I tried to form my son into the latest parenting idea because it suits ME, then I know I would risk losing his trust in me as his uniquely-assigned parent. And when I lose that trust, my opinion won't count at all when it might be needed for more important topics down the road!

My kids can tell when I am being authentic. I don't know how many times they have caught me demonstrating the complete opposite of an opinion I tried to claim as my own. It's not me but my insecurity trying to take over. I have to remind myself daily to step around the obstacle of this way or that. I need to critically think for myself and know that I am guided by something or someOne greater than an expert or a philosophy.

I will never say that my way is best for another parent, but I will say, as far as I can tell, at this moment in time, my permission to allow him to "date" a girl (and there is a very unique definition for that in the Dicken household) is just fine for my son. It might only be for a short while until we need to adjust it all. But that's the great thing about raising a child, they are pretty good at mixing up the black and white, and keeping us parents hopping down those stepping stones!

What has been your latest parenting stepping stone? Or, how do you deal with pre-teen dating?

When Your Pre-Teen Trumps Writing Time

Did you hear me sigh? 

That was a mighty one. It has been quite a night. While I thought I'd have some time to write and get ready for my big blog kick off next week (see the note at the end of this post), the moments ticked on, now it's almost midnight, and three out of four kids are still unsettled. So, this is my quick writing time--as I sit here next to my anxiety-ridden youngest son who is squeezing his eyes to try and sleep away the fear of trying something new-- swim team.

I should be the one who's freaking out, though. I stepped into new territory tonight, also. 

While bath time was in full swing for my daughter, my pre-teen came up to me with a look of expectancy in his face and whispered, 

"Mom, a girl wants to FaceTime with me at ten. Is that okay?"

And now imagine my internal groan while I send a breezy look his way.

Well...Kudos to him for asking first, right?

And, she was someone he knew from school...so at least it wasn't a random internet stalker, right?

And he was very compliant to my rule of keeping the door open and allowing me to check on him.

But...

He's my baby. And there is soooo much out there that wasn't there when I was his age...social media, FaceTime, girls making the moves first (well, at least I was too scared to)!

on freedigitalphotos.net by sixninepixels

I shared some advice with him after his pretty mild and age-appropriate chat with the girl. I hope to God that he remembers it, and hides it in his heart for the more-than-a-friendly-chat instances in his life (and let's just say, I am not ready to think of this as flinging the door open to dating by any means...just a turn of the knob and observing what might be on the other side):

Advice Bit 1:  Be a gentleman--always. Be kind and appropriate. Be respectful. Really, this is something I wish he would grasp in all friendships, family relationships...etc!

Advice Bit 2:  Don't let go of yourself. Just because a girl is interested, doesn't mean that the relationship is up to her to define...or that there even needs to be anything besides a friendship!! Don't let her "redefine you" because you are flattered that she likes you. Be you without compromise! (This is a hard one to grasp, and I am so thankful for my mom-friends who have teenagers and shared their experiences before mine have come along!)

Advice Bit 3. Communicate with me (and Dad)! This is new for us, too... times have changed...and we have never raised a kid past your exact age before! Give us grace...and let us lead.

Praise God, he actually seemed pretty receptive to all of it! 

Life is coming at us from all angles, it seems. And I am so thankful for this phase, and those before, and those ahead. It's just another opportunity to sharpen ourselves and live life to the full (pardon the cliche...did I mention it was late here??) 

When my son went to bed tonight, he was super sweet. "I love you, Mom!" It wasn't in response to me, but it was on his own initiative. 

Lord, please keep his heart soft...to You and to his parents. Give him growing wisdom and discernment in all situations. And for goodness sakes, please slow this season down! --Amen

**Be sure to drop by on June 10th to get info on giveaways, prizes, and celebrating the official kick-off of my blog re-design! Follow this blog now, and start getting your points now! Comment below if you do.**

Tomorrow Will Worry About Itself

It has been a while since I blogged about my kids. They are still top-notch priority around here, even if my mommy-voice is silent amidst the storm of grown-up issues.
But as my son begins his second semester of 7th grade, I cannot keep quiet much longer. There is just....soooo much.
Like, how many times have I thought to myself, "he is just like you were!" And internally groan, regretting that I passed on THAT DNA.
And how often do I hear myself say to him, "Don't talk to me like that!" And my mother seems to be here in spirit...and voice...and I think, "Aaaaah...this is how she felt when I was this age."

Twelve years ago, besides telling my husband "he's yours when he is twelve" out of fear of raising pre-teen boys, I seriously tricked myself into thinking it would be different. We would raise him differently than I was, speak different types of affirmation than I received, never do it the old way but parent the new, improved way.

So what happened?

Part of me feels guilt for the crappy way my husband and I handled this past year. Perhaps that stress tossed all my good intentions out the window, and for the need of survival, we just fell into a miserable pattern of bickering mama and grumpy teen. Did I push him into resenting me? Is my poor effort at keeping everything "peaceful" around here, revving up bitterness in my son?

Yeah, mama guilt is readily available when you have non-parenting-heat contributing to the fire.

But, like I have said before, this is a new year, and I am waving goodbye to all that garbage. And, even though my husband and I have a long ways to go in the figuring-it-out department, I can do something in the parenting department that I keep trying to do in my marriage...

Take it one day at a time.

There is something in me that wants to make a plan that works indefinitely and ends in success at a high school graduation where my son gives the speech and thanks his parents for a job well-done. Ha!
Thank you Hollywood for delusion.

This past year, I have felt the repercussions of such planning (ahem...dreaming)...: It sets you up for a very long and painful fall. Expectations are dashed, and you flounder around wondering how life can ever be the same. Um, life is never suppose to be the same. It is ever-changing. So, my new philosophy of taking it one day at a time seems to fit the bill for raising a pre-teen, too.

God said "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Ain't that the truth?

I am casting off the mommy-guilt as best as I can. We might have a whole slue of bickering and arguing and ugly words behind us, but they have got to stay in the yesterday so we can work on the present. Tomorrow will be here before I know it, and I can't have anything holding me back!