Raising Up Adults: A Mama's Discipline Revelation

This house has been pretty tense lately. Who ever said boys are easy? Especially teenage boys? More often than not, I am walking on eggshells when my kids are in the same room as each other, prepping myself for the next throw down.
Ugh.
The other day, it got bad. Real bad. Gnashing of teeth bad. And I found myself spouting off a gazillion consequences at different moments of the afternoon. And I heard my conscience whisper, "That ain't gonna work."
I was at a loss on how to parent these kids.
After hashing out my frustration with a friend who has a little more wisdom with older kids, I took a deep breath and remembered a bit of advice I had recently read.

Parents aren't here to raise kids, their job is to raise up adults.

I think a big problem around here has been my mentality that parenting means I put my children in their place as a child. Besides just getting wrapped up in their emotions, trying to figure out the best consequence to remind them they are under my control and I'm the boss, ('Mwahahahaha' would probably be appropriate here) might just be a bit outdated. Don't get me wrong, consequences are certainly a good and necessary thing for bad behavior, but the nature of the consequences, perhaps the frequency, must shift as my children grow.

More than dishing out consequences, I should model what it means to be the adult. I am their biggest adult model besides their dad. 

That changed the ball game a bit. That gave me  advice I 'd never given them before. 

I forced myself to teach them as an adult instead of bearing over them like an authority figure. 

During this last blow out (means something different post-diaper stage), instead of taking away iPhones, friends, and privileges, I gave them a scenario on adult terms and grabbed their attention on a more intellectual level, instead of a "gimme your stuff, bad boy" hand-slap disciplinarian action.

Their ears perked when I gave them a peek at my adult perspective.

What teen doesn't want to be talked to about adult things in an adult way?

Just a couple of years ago, they saw Dad and I struggle badly, basically we treated each other in a way that induced misery on all who were involved. BUT, BECAUSE WE WORKED AT IT LIKE ADULTS (finally...it took a LOT of childish actions to turn our ways) I had the privilege of reminding the first-hand witnesses--aka my children--how my husband and I both chose LOVE to make it work. 

A very real adult circumstance redeemed by a choice that goes against every childish tendency in our selfish human nature. Something fighting siblings might use as an internal a-ha moment next time they are tempted to spiral into a fighting mess.

Sometimes, I find myself trapping my kids in this box where discipline was once all about raising a good, well-behaved child. But they've grown well past that now. They need to learn to be adults. And I can tell they'd love to be treated that way. It's my job as their parent to guide them as best as I can...even if it means sharing the messiness of my own poor choices. 

I vow to raise my kids to be adults. They'll thank me sooner than later, I bet!

Teen iPhone Be Gone: TBT with a Lesson

Waaaay back in the Nineties:

When I was in high school...maybe middle school (but I doubt it)... I would talk on the phone for hours--into the wee hours of the morning....on the WEEKEND. I didn't just play around after school on the phone. I didn't have instantaneous chats with my friends at all moments of the day. The drama of school and gossip and stressors was literally left at the school curb.

Flashforward to Present Day:

There's only one thing that my husband and I can take away from our teenage son as a consequence...have any guesses?

His iPhone.

Yep. That is his entertainment, his social media link, his chat board with friends, his radio, his calculator his...everything.

I have heard it said that teenagers actually NEED social interaction with their friends on a frequent basis. That, it helps with self-esteem and growing up. Isolating them is a no-no, because they feel out of the loop with the going-ons at school, peers, and the world.

I know EXACTLY how that might feel. It's no fun to be an island. So, I have been very careful when it comes to dishing out a consequence that involves taking away the device.

But you know what, sometimes the popular parenting research doesn't measure up to the uniqueness of your kid, your situation, and your own experience as a teen waaaay back when.

The other day, my son earned a major consequence....and like I said before, the only thing that's major to him, is his phone. Usual punishment is to limit his time on it more than normal. Don't want to isolate the poor boy (um...please coat that last sentence in syrupy sarcasm). But his behavior deserved a major kick in the SD card...seriously. I would have thrown the stupid phone in the trash if it didn't cost so dang much.

While our son stewed upstairs, wondering what our new terms would be for his lost attachment to his palm...my husband skimmed through his texts and social media...yeah, you might not agree with this invasion of privacy, but that's a whole other blog post.

You know what? All those things I mentioned that I left at the school curb in my day?? My son brings home with him...and they are with him from the time he steps into our "safe place" (read my last post if you wonder), until we pry the dang thing from his hands before bed. No wonder the kid has been a bear to live with! The kid has the weight of the social pressure with him all day, all afternoon, and all night long!

So, we've taken his phone without telling him when he will get it back. And honestly, I don't know if I want to even go there yet.

The kid has been....a kid again. He has been relaxed, happy, goofy, and actually talkative. The stress has literally been cut off with the power button.

In this new frontier of technology gripping the minds, hearts, and hands of our kids, is the consequence of going with the flow bigger than the privilege of living in such convenience?

I am sure my son will get his phone back...eventually. But it's going to be with much different restrictions than before.

I like having the kid back. This Throwback Thursday is pre-iPhone, pre-social media, pre-teen. Because sometimes, the past has its perks.