A Culture of Onlys

A door is always slightly open when I sit across from my husband on a date night, talking politics, religion, life from the varying views of a Christian and a Skeptic. My greatest witness is sharing with him that Christ is still possible beyond the man-declared onlys —Only way to think, only way to be, and only way to act...on political issues, on church establishments, on how we should view and treat those around us...mostly those onlys that in the end, stray from the very example Christ set. The world typically sees many camp in the notion that as long as it is spoken in His name, it’s an okay only.

Pharisaical? Maybe. Human? Yes.

I have seen it happening more and more, and I feel more and more desperate to denounce such things for the sake of souls, for the sake of a Name that’s being crucified over and over because of false claims. 

If I am honest, I preached the trivial for so long, I demanded that I knew it all, enlightened and confident—and then I broke and realized such knowing was so, so very human of me. 

How could I have thought so small when my God is so big? 

I have yet to discover an argument that disproves God—but I have heard many arguments that turn people away from Him. 

I beg you arguers out there, consider your words, are they worth a soul? Do you share Christ, or an opinion of who you might want Him to be because He seems safe—for you? 

I ask myself: Do I argue points because it is easy to explain away, or because it is true? Am I so bold to risk the soul of just one because my certainty is so important? 

Like my pastor is known to say, I hope to be more curious than certain. May I allow the God of the Universe be the Heart-changer and the Way-maker—not because of  the explanations and accusations of man, but mostly despite them.

After all, His ways are not our ways...I pray that I always remember that when I think I know better. And I hope I continue to seek the Truth of Christ in the actual Gospel, not the one that crops from a culture of Onlys.

Who Is Undesirable?

What cataracts do I look through to see my fellow man? Is it a careful construct of bias, wealth, health, and elite? Do I choose my friends based on their sameness? Do I avoid a path down a street based on the human I'll have to pass, in all their brokenness, all their outwardly undesirable state?

It is easy to know what is good or bad in this culture--even if each is an imposter of the actual Truth.

Money = Good
Power = Good
Success = Good
Luxury = Good
Indulgence=Good
Blemish = Bad
Weight = Bad
Poor = Bad
Sorrow = Bad
Displacement=Bad

Yet, a man walked the earth centuries ago, and turned these history-old equivalencies UPSIDE DOWN ...

How devastating that we haven't learned--I haven't learned. I hear excuses of, "Well, I worked hard, I deserve...", or "It's just not right, why should my kids deal with that kid..." or "they don't belong here," or  I say to myself, "This is where God put me, and I shouldn't worry about...not my problem, not affecting me."

I think it's history-old because we've had the ugly in our human existence from the very beginning. I look through history-- B.C. to A.D.--and I see it. And the past is NO BETTER than the now, and the now is NO BETTER than the nostalgic days of old. And I saw it in my childhood, in my teen years, in my college years...in my now years. I see it as my children grow and in their friends and in their classmates. And then I see the kids who stay on the fringe, trying to just survive the next minutes, hours until they have a reprieve from the "good" ones...the accepted ones, the desirable ones.

How is it that, after the most influential man declared those fringe wanderers as His FRIENDS...two thousand years later they are still on the fringe?

Bullying is a huge buzzword these days. I don't know how often I mention it when talking about school, kids, culture. And often I hear people say, "It wasn't like that in my day," but I remember different.

I remember bullies. I remember hurt. I remember angst. I remember walking the fringe. 

But, if I am completely truthful, I want to be part  of the "good" ones. Sure, I am a bleeding heart and often weep for those downtrodden on the news, in the books, in the articles...yet, I too avoid those downtrodden in person, in the grocery store, in the crowd of strangers when I just want to fit in.

What would it look like if I walked into church one day, and instead of the sameness as me, I was faced with the poor, the displaced, the unclean, the healthless, the wealthless, the forgotten? Would I stay, or would I say to myself, "This is not safe, this is not good, this is not my people"?

Would I walk away like the young rich ruler who just couldn't see past the cataracts of his life, because who would want to give all the worldly "good" up, for a man who loves the undesirables?

Who is really undesirable now that we are living upside down?

Character Is Out-of-Fashion

My husband and I don't agree on many things, but one thing that we are both passionate about, is raising our kids with character. From the inappropriate playground talk my boys share with me, and the entitlement factor that seems to thread its way through every age group under eighteen these days, I feel like we are walking a very strenuous uphill trek to instill the integrity, character, and respect that seems to lose value every second of my children's growing up.

We see it in our school systems where kids don't have to do their best on their homework or tests the first time...because they are offered a make up date for EVERYTHING. I am not quite sure if this is because of entitled parents pushing school policy for their kids to get the grades they need for acceptance at their alma mater, or if it is an outcropping of a new kind of student that teachers and schools are forced to give that extra chance for their own funding.
Either way, it lacks character and integrity on both sides, in my opinion.

We see it all over youth sports. Where kids no longer know what it means to play as a team, but because of the examples around them...ahem, parents (I am guilty here)...they expect to get their way in the lineup, on the field, and even in a summer baseball camp where they push and shove their way to the front of the line because they are the deserving "A" player.

We see it on the news when politicians, lawmakers and judges decide they just don't care about how their decisions affect others as long as they cater to an elite few. The loudest most obnoxious get their way...and the one with character and steady footing is forgotten (I can think of a candidate who never got the chance he deserved to become a presidential hopeful).

And speaking of presidential candidates, what do our two choices for this upcoming election truly teach our children about integrity, character, and respect?

Just that they really aren't important.

Money is important, fame is important, slander is important.

I don't know about you, but I am not 100% committed to a date at the polls this November.  I am just going to focus on my family...and build character here. Maybe one day, it will be in fashion again.

Here's a telling article on character: http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/06/05/hillary-clinton-email-scandal-consequences-integrity-honesty-column/85205018/

What Jesus do you worship? Faith-Filled Fridays

Our pastor's sermon on Sunday is very critical to take away pre-conceived ideas about Christians and who they worship. It's telling of the times, and the confused ideas about who Jesus was/is.

Which Jesus do you believe in?

Click Here To Watch: Five Jesus'?

Pre-Teen Dating?

It was pretty obvious when I was a new mom. There were lots of "versus" in the mommy world...

Breastfeeding vs formula
Babywise vs attachment parenting
stay-at-home mom vs working mom
homeschool vs school
etc.

And with each side, depending on where I was, once I accepted my stance on the issue, I grew in pride and judgement for the other side....or sometimes, jealousy.

I always poo-poo'd my mom who would say, "When I raised kids, I just parented how I thought best. I didn't care what everyone else was doing."

"Well, we've evolved mom," I would say. And studies have been done...and books have been written...and...

Years later, I can honestly say that I am a little jealous of my mom's attitude (even if it may be tainted with thirty-some years of growing kids, sending them off, and helping with grandchildren). Because, in this over-socialized, over-opinionated, black-and-white media-driven culture, I realize that too often I let what some "stranger-psychologist" or "philosophy" says is best to shape my efforts in parenting.

So, to bring it down to real-life, here is my latest struggle:

Even thinking that makes me cringe.

...I just didn't think...

I just hoped it wouldn't be an issue for our kids...

I just...

Yeah, well, my rose-colored glasses were thrown to the ground when my son asked me if he could, "ask her out?" a month ago.

At least he asked me first, right?

My brain was flooded with all the mom blogs I have read, the parenting books I have scoured, and even the mom-speaking conferences, workshops, and MOPS meetings I went to. And I recall terms like, "courtship"and "dating contracts". But then, I looked back at my own summer before 8th grade and how I would have been ecstatic to "be asked out". In my mind, it would have meant that a boy had noticed me. And let's face it, thirteen year olds want to be noticed. Yeah, I was a little boy crazy, but I was a pretty level-headed kid with big dreams for my future career, and great desire for academic success. And I liked boys.

Now, I am not saying that we should allow our kids to think wanting that attention is important and a need to be filled, I am just saying...I know what it's like. And sometimes, as a parent, I forget to tap into my own experience and remember that.

But regardless, as a mom of an almost thirteen year old, I froze at this topic. I felt like I might be a disappointment in the parenting community if I chose wrongly (not that I should really care about others' opinions...but, um, it's a major flaw of mine). I might be labeled as "too strict" if I went one way, or "too lax" if I went the other.

Mostly, I was scared to death that whatever move I made, would be detrimental to my son.

And, really, I think it boils down to all the hype out there forced upon us as parents. The biggest obstacle as a parent today is black and white thinking.
I mean, as parents, we are easy targets. We want the best for our kids...and we want to keep them from the mistakes we felt our parents' made. So if someone has had success and coined it to share with us, then by all means! Parenting for dummies...yep, sign me up!

If...then
Only this way, not that way
This is the best way
That is the proven way

But is life really that clearly drawn?

Once I allowed a conversation to grow organically between my son and me...I realized I couldn't just apply what I had read, or easily label my next parenting approach. I had to look at the whole picture, and gauge my son as an individual who was allowing me to be a part of this stepping stone in growing up (Praise the Lord).

A few years ago, I might have thought I needed to say "no" to this. To put my foot down and say, "YOU are NOT growing up so fast. You are too young for a girlfriend."

But now? After we've talked, and he's shown me his heart (and his oh-so-sweet-innocence shining through), and I know what kind of kid he is...does the above approach take him into account at all? Or is it a control thing for me?

I know there are great ideas out there like "courtship" and "dating contracts", and my advice to my son has borrowed ideas from both of those concepts...as well as others. It's not black and white at all. It's all different shades...and so it should be. He is my purposefully-created child, who only fits his own mold.

If I tried to form my son into the latest parenting idea because it suits ME, then I know I would risk losing his trust in me as his uniquely-assigned parent. And when I lose that trust, my opinion won't count at all when it might be needed for more important topics down the road!

My kids can tell when I am being authentic. I don't know how many times they have caught me demonstrating the complete opposite of an opinion I tried to claim as my own. It's not me but my insecurity trying to take over. I have to remind myself daily to step around the obstacle of this way or that. I need to critically think for myself and know that I am guided by something or someOne greater than an expert or a philosophy.

I will never say that my way is best for another parent, but I will say, as far as I can tell, at this moment in time, my permission to allow him to "date" a girl (and there is a very unique definition for that in the Dicken household) is just fine for my son. It might only be for a short while until we need to adjust it all. But that's the great thing about raising a child, they are pretty good at mixing up the black and white, and keeping us parents hopping down those stepping stones!

What has been your latest parenting stepping stone? Or, how do you deal with pre-teen dating?