Ever like your social media self better than that person in the mirror?
I am sure you are thinking--wow, did she just say that? Honestly, I try and be as authentic as I can on social media, but we all know, it's a two-dimensional space. I can either put misery on the screen, or happiness. And when I have SO much good going on, HOW in the world can I dump my troubled heart on a FB status? Mixed signals, much? Two-faced? Hypocrite? Ungrateful...ugh. The slander continues in my brain as I assume every ill thing someone can spit at the screen boasting two different messages that are Angie Dicken.
But, believe me, even feeling these deep, dark emotions in light of my giddy steps through the door of publication and the joys of growing my children, makes my sub-conscious scream the same.
It's that other dimension, you know? The one you can't see...the one I can't see--but oh, I can feel it more than the droplets of rain on my head this dreary Saturday afternoon. This gloominess is tangling with every fiber within me. I feel it. Too deeply. It eclipses all that is good.
It reminds me that the stuff of this world is just not enough. There IS a spiritual world at war here. No matter what naysayers speak so closely in my ear. No matter the denial I am exposed to day in and day out. There IS a battle going on in my heart and I am afraid I will suffocate by it.
I am exhausted. I am sad. I am heartbroken.
And it's because I let myself think I was okay for so long. And I neglected the condition of my heart. If you've been with me on this past three and half year journey, you know that the first year of that was valley walking. In the valley though, God had drawn close, and I crawled along the floor, ready to climb out. That upward climb was deceiving though, because even though I reached higher ground, I had expected a lush spiritual revival. What I found was a dry desert, one where even my God decided to remain behind in the valley. Well, that's what it feels like anyway. Maybe He raced ahead? Maybe he's given me this strange time of external successes, only to show me how bankrupt my insides are. I need Him more than ever, and I can hardly see past the mirages on the coarse sand upon which I stand. Hazy fabrications of what I think I need, and no fulfillment in sight.
I need Him. I've always needed Him. And there is nothing in this world that can fill that hole. No matter how hard I focus on what I have, I don't have enough if I don't have Him.
So, I sit here, in constant gratitude for everything that's gone right, but miserable because I had believed it would fix me.
Only He can. And, I'll hold on to that. If there is one place that I've learned this most, it's in my journey as an author. The one place He's showed up time and again is when I gather with my fellow author friends. One external thing that meets my internal turmoil with healing, is my community of writer friends.
I am holding on, waiting for Him to slow down ahead, and let me catch up. Just a few more days, and I hope the healing will begin.