The Second Phase of Mama Guilt

The fast pace of life steals my attention. Sometimes, I sit and look at my growing son and try to remember him as a young toddler. Believe me, often, it's easy to at least recall his toddler behaviors. I wonder if teenage years are just a second round of the "terrible twos"--but on a grander scale, a more critical scale, a more delicate one?

Like, I remember holding his pudgy two year old hand and walking to a parade and feeling the excitement and joy in the first of it, and patting myself on the back knowing I was carving out this rich childhood memory bank from the very beginning.

And then, I sit here, in a deep pit of defeat, the arguments echoing off the walls and in my heart and my growing man-boy icing himself in, in his own frustration, and that long ago childhood seems so futile, and distant, nothing that will do anything but bring me remorse.

I remember the first time I spoke harshly to my firstborn. It was probably not long after that parade memory. I can't even recall what had happened but I snapped at him and said "no" loudly. His chocolate eyes grew wide, he paused, and he frantically ran to my arms and hugged me. The fear, the surprise, the worry of losing my love?

Back then, there was mommy guilt, for sure. Guilt during the sleep training, diaper rash mania, accidental sunburns, and lack of consistency with timeouts. But, now, we've entered this whole new phase of mama guilt. And it's swelling and suffocating my heart. The snapping moments are mounting and his desperate reaction for my acceptance diminished somewhere down the path behind us.

Mothering now, brings a deep agony. One that twists with a gruesome grip. Perhaps, I am a better mother to four years old and under? Because this mothering a teen is nothing more than a trudge through a swamp of hypocrisy. Everything I said I wouldn't be as a mother seems to escape me like a monster turning me inside out.

Everything I said I wouldn't be as a mother, somehow, has become me.

I opened the flood gates to my impatience and short temper, and he's become callous to it--he's found
his defenses and I am left with the aftermath no mother wants.

Wounds and scars of ugly words and wild emotions sour all the sweet memories.

Life is messy. It's not what I thought it would be. It's not what I prayed it would be.

The moment I held my son-who-made-me-a-mother-for-the-very-first time without another soul in the room, I looked at his precious face and praised God, and promised I would guide him wisely in this world.

That is still my heart. But I am not achieving it well. There is some broken line, some miscommunication between my head, my heart, and my mouth. And we're just going down the dark and windy path, instead of the sunlit mountain top trail I envisioned.

One day, I hope that he'll reach for my hand and call a truce on all this garbage we sling at each other... I know I've tried to make that first move plenty of times...but I am a hypocrite. And I bypass the high road.

If only's and should'ves just bog me down and I can hardly imagine a time when we were at peace and I was his world and he was mine. What's on the other side of this second phase I wonder...and often dread. Because, I am not sure we are going to walk on that mountain top any time soon, and I am afraid I might lose him along the way.

Teen iPhone Be Gone: TBT with a Lesson

Waaaay back in the Nineties:

When I was in high school...maybe middle school (but I doubt it)... I would talk on the phone for hours--into the wee hours of the morning....on the WEEKEND. I didn't just play around after school on the phone. I didn't have instantaneous chats with my friends at all moments of the day. The drama of school and gossip and stressors was literally left at the school curb.

Flashforward to Present Day:

There's only one thing that my husband and I can take away from our teenage son as a consequence...have any guesses?

His iPhone.

Yep. That is his entertainment, his social media link, his chat board with friends, his radio, his calculator his...everything.

I have heard it said that teenagers actually NEED social interaction with their friends on a frequent basis. That, it helps with self-esteem and growing up. Isolating them is a no-no, because they feel out of the loop with the going-ons at school, peers, and the world.

I know EXACTLY how that might feel. It's no fun to be an island. So, I have been very careful when it comes to dishing out a consequence that involves taking away the device.

But you know what, sometimes the popular parenting research doesn't measure up to the uniqueness of your kid, your situation, and your own experience as a teen waaaay back when.

The other day, my son earned a major consequence....and like I said before, the only thing that's major to him, is his phone. Usual punishment is to limit his time on it more than normal. Don't want to isolate the poor boy (um...please coat that last sentence in syrupy sarcasm). But his behavior deserved a major kick in the SD card...seriously. I would have thrown the stupid phone in the trash if it didn't cost so dang much.

While our son stewed upstairs, wondering what our new terms would be for his lost attachment to his palm...my husband skimmed through his texts and social media...yeah, you might not agree with this invasion of privacy, but that's a whole other blog post.

You know what? All those things I mentioned that I left at the school curb in my day?? My son brings home with him...and they are with him from the time he steps into our "safe place" (read my last post if you wonder), until we pry the dang thing from his hands before bed. No wonder the kid has been a bear to live with! The kid has the weight of the social pressure with him all day, all afternoon, and all night long!

So, we've taken his phone without telling him when he will get it back. And honestly, I don't know if I want to even go there yet.

The kid has been....a kid again. He has been relaxed, happy, goofy, and actually talkative. The stress has literally been cut off with the power button.

In this new frontier of technology gripping the minds, hearts, and hands of our kids, is the consequence of going with the flow bigger than the privilege of living in such convenience?

I am sure my son will get his phone back...eventually. But it's going to be with much different restrictions than before.

I like having the kid back. This Throwback Thursday is pre-iPhone, pre-social media, pre-teen. Because sometimes, the past has its perks.