Is Kindness a buzz word?

Today, this mama held her baby girl as she spoke through her tears, sharing with me the meanness someone threw at her. If I gave into my initial reaction, I'd tell her to fight back, to say the next mean thing. And then I'd start playing in my head what I would complain about to the appropriate adults-in-charge.

Let's just thank God that I demanded the mama bear back in the cave before taking hold of THAT mentality.

What I told my girl, though, was to stand up for herself in a different way. What I told her was to stand firm in kindness. Show the mean kid something different. Be kind, even to them. Kindness is the only way.

Doubt always creeps in at these moments while mama bear is forced away, and I wondered what was the downfall of teaching my daughter to be completely counter human-instinctual? Maybe not in this situation, but what about bigger situations? Am I teaching her to be passive to a fault? Would her being kind come at the risk of ignoring strength? Do I run the chance of making her soft, sensitive, easily broken by meanness? Am I teaching her to forgo being tough and resilient?

Is kindness really the holy space I've come to learn as a Christ follower, or is it a cowering, a cop out?

Even after tears and heartbreak, the daughter smiled and readied for school knowing she is loved, she is kind, and who she IS, counts more than what people tell her.

I see the daughter whose favorite word is "LOVE", who craves friendship and people and love. Who is ever happy to be beside her old friends, and who is always willing to make a new friend. I see her kindness as her greatest strength, and I know her spirit is strong in love.

No, kindness is not a buzzword. Kindness IS tough. Kindness is bold. It's passing up the fleshy garbage of broken people, and pouring out love regardless. It's a fine shield for a strong spirit.

Kindness is Love.

And I guess, after all my struggles and fails as a mom, I will once again, cast off the mama-bear instinct and step into a surprising posture of victory. Because, whatever the world says, whatever the hatred shows, I know one thing I'll get right as a mother--my kids will know that kindness wins. Can't wait to see the paths they'll pave ahead.

That went so fast, Lord

“That went so fast, Lord,” I exclaim as I go through papers and drawings and knick knacks of a 4th grader turned Freshman in high school. 

“In.a.blink.” 

I hated that saying when I was in the throes of toddler chaos and colicky newborns. Looking back, it is all a blur, all a mode of survival. But now, the truth of it is so devastating, so painful, when I discover how i had been so tempted to blink away the moments and get to the easier part. Too many blinks, and now it’s all being packed up in plastic bins to be gone through by daughter-in-laws and grand children. 

Ugh, my mama heart hurts. 

Packing up handwriting exercises and art projects, I realize how much of that little boy I have forgotten...and how too many moments slipped by without savoring, without being fully present. Life is short. 

And it’s all about the people. 

My people. 

My babies they will always be.

What I Never Thought

What I never thought about several years ago-- telling my son to "just take my car" to basketball practice when the roads are covered in snow.


What I never thought about when babies were sleeping soundly in their bassinet next to my bed-- falling into bedtimes without a goodnight, just a quick "time for bed", hollered up the stairs.

What I never thought about when I was up to my elbows in toys and clothes and packs of diapers-- packing up the last of the baby clothes for good--or at least, for a long season of growing kids up until their kids need them.

What I never thought about when I was thirty, that when I was forty, my heart would hurt at the faint memories of baby curls and squeals of glee and jibber jabber with Disney Junior playing in the background.

What I never thought about...I wish I had--because then maybe, I wouldn't have wanted it to go by so quickly.

And maybe it wouldn't have.

And maybe I'd handle all this growing up a little better.

To The Mom I Don't Know

I don't know you, but I can't imagine I'll ever forget you. There's the buzz in the air, the ripples of grief making there way to strangers. I am a stranger.

I don't know you, but I've wept and wondered and prayed over you and your family and your loss.

Even from a distance.

I don't know you, but I can't drive anywhere without sensing a pulse of where you might be right now, what you are doing, how you are coping, what craze you might toe the edge of.

I don't know you, but I've gone there in my mind, and I've stared in the horror of your circumstance adopting it as my own. And I can't know what it feels like, not really. I can't know the pain, the despair, the shoes that you now walk in. I can't.

I can only imagine. And many might say they can't imagine. But, I've gone there and imagined, and I've shaken and cried to God. My dread courses through me as if I'm the one looking at the grief face on. My babies, my life I've poured into those children. And the abrupt end that could occur at any moment, at any unforeseen deed. Without a chance to say that next thing, to guide that next step, to hold that hand one more time.

And yet. I don't even know the depth of it. I can't even go there. I said I could. But I cannot really know your pain. Not all of it.

I am just at a distance.

I don't know you, and I weep for you and pray for you and hope for you. There's no judgement here. I see myself, day in and out, messing up, struggling, fighting, falling short of all the expectations I thought motherhood could be.

Even still. I pray that eyes of judgement never fall on me in such a time as your moment right now. I pray that you sense no judgement from anyone now. That God protects your heart and your sanity and reminds you He's there. Even when it is so absurd to think He's there. Where was He? Where, Lord? How can this happen...and I cry these things, and I curse this, and I don't even know you.

But I'm a mom too, and I have a mom's heart, and I weep with you at such a time as this.

Even from a distance.

Even if I'm a stranger.

Breathe Again

It's hard to breathe when you refuse air.

And it's hard to breathe when you witness someone refusing to inhale.

Especially someone so very close to you. Someone who breathed their first breath in your presence.
Once you become a mother, your breath nearly always seems to depend on that of your child. If they aren't breathing--living to the full--then you are struggling for air.

These past weeks have taken my breath away. Not in a romantic, dreamy way. But in a crippling way as I see my children struggle to breathe in the only hope I find to be true. It has a lot to do with why I chose my word for the year, Redeem.
We need it around here.

So. Yesterday at church, the pastor preached on the new sermon series to kick off the new year. And it's centered on Acts 3:19:

"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord..."

In the Greek, the word, "refreshing" actually means "to breathe again". I love that. It's shown me something redemptive, and as I said, my word this year is REDEEM.

Living with an atheist has had me shirk away from the idea of sin. Sin is a big BAD no-no in a
Godless view. We're all good, humanity is good (after all, we are here by such an amazingly small chance), sin is ridiculous and the idea of it is detrimental to the future of humanity. If there was such thing as sin, then you are against humanity, against nature, against your very being.

But.

There may be something unknown in that word--by those so opposed to it. And it's the very essence of our relationship with our Creator. It's the very essence of our need for redemption. It's the fact that we, in all our humanness, breathed...in all our free will, were given breath...and WE have missed the mark in our effort to breathe apart from the Maker.

It's no wonder sin is powerful, because it stops our breathing in, and then we struggle for air in the darkness.

Sorry for the sermon, but I am really processing this for myself. Because, in order to have any air around here, I think I have tried to compromise with truth for the sake of my marriage. And I've allowed lies to warp my heart.

Not that my husband has any say in this, but, because I am a peace maker by default, I try to find the middle ground...and I went a little past the middle.

The fact that sin is part of us, is actually a reason to rejoice in living...again. To remember that there is a second chance out there, and that we've been given it regardless of which sin, and because we have sinned. Sin has given us a journey to understand our significance through the eyes of a Savior. Not that I love sin for that, but I love the plan that God can use ANYTHING to show us HIS EVERYTHING. Nothing is wasted. Not even our brokenness.

It starts with me. I can only change myself, or at least, it's up to me to surrender to Christ and refresh in His presence. I can't push my children, or my husband to "repent"...to "believe"...to "breathe again". That's God's job. I can only blot out my own transgressions and breathe again, welcoming the presence of the Lord...

And hopefully that presence will grow strong in my house, and there will be a gasping for air again.

If You Let Us: A Parent's Cry To Parent

Son,

It's been a hard year. School's not as safe as it used to be. You used to say, "School's not about being social, it's about grades." And now, the social monster has scared away the focus on anything real.

Your heart is on a battleground and other kids are poking and prodding and trying to see just how tough it is. They don't know what they are doing, but it feels like they are winning a fight you didn't sign up for.

Your dad and I know what it feels like. Even though you think we don't understand...

We do.

It's a heart attack that nobody is ever prepared for. It's a fact of broken humanity that always seems like a blow...even if we say it could happen, even if the counselors warn you against it.

This battle just pulls you off your feet and makes you feel like an ant about to be smushed.

Being on the defense hurts on a battleground that appeared to be neutral. Starting from scratch is no fun when you've grown so much.

But there's something that Dad and I can do. There's a way we CAN help.

If you let us.

We can provide for you a safe place. When you enter these walls, we can give you sanctuary. We are here for you. And we want to talk. There's only a few things we ask:

Can you be honest when we ask "How was your day?"

Will you take a deep breath before you give in to anger?

And will you at least try and consider our advice- honest, well-thought out advice- before taking that next step?

That's all.

We just want to close the gap in our communication. We want to have this partnership with you in growing up. It's kinda what we're meant to do...just like you are meant to get through school, maybe find a sport or hobby, and grow up.

We've gone through the same growing pains as you. And right now, we are freed up to share in yours. To share...not take them away from you. That's not our job...and it's not in our ability. There's Someone who knows best. And He's the Guy who put us here to share in them with you.

Bud, we feel your pain, and we hope to ease your heartache by being your advocate, your safe place. We can help you grow stronger and wiser.

If you let us.

(Mom&Dad)

When Your Kid Wants To Hide

This school year started out great...now it's kinda fizzling. And it's only October.

Have you've seen the sweet video of the little girl telling her parents to stop fighting and to bring their emotions down? ( I'll put a link below.)

Sometimes I just want to tell my children, "Be steady, bring it down." just like the little girl. Crazy high emotions around here....But then I think, oh boy, we have a good fourteen years ahead, all the d-r-a-m- that comes with adolescence to adulthood is in our future as well as our present.

I really don't have anything profound to say today. I am tapped out of any practical, pro-active solutions. The little human beings running around my house have hearts out of whack, emotions flooding their little brains, and outsiders putting a big fat wrench in their plans (and mine) to be A-okay, happy, un-touched, thriving school kids.

Honestly, there isn't anything huge stunting their joy. But there are little things that are making it seem pretty big.

There's the mean kid who pushes his weight around by teasing...I mean...our name is sooooo easy to tease...but come on-- sometimes I wish I wasn't a conscientious parent and could give my boys some zinger-come-backs. Yeah, I could talk the talk when I needed too.

And then, there are kids who mock my son's abilities. The abilities he used to pride himself in--now, he's letting them get in his head. He's agreeing with them. "I suck," he says.

How did it come to this?

Didn't we teach our kids well?

Didn't we prepare them for the mean ol' world out there?

What can I even say to help him? Right now, he just wants to stay home from school. He wants to hide.

And while that sounds like a solution, that's just living in fear.

I have told him that I feel the same way sometimes when it comes to my writing. Like, I am not good enough each time I get a rejection. And believe me...after ten years of pursuing publication...I have had PLENTY of rejections. Seems like a pretty good analogy, right?

But he's a kid. And like I said, his heart is out of whack--it's reaching out for acceptance in all the wrong places. The only true place to find it is up.

 Yeah.

Tell that to a bullied kid....I will have to look up FOR him, I guess.

This mama's heart is being tested to the max...and I just don't feel up to the challenge. Ever felt that way? Pray for me if you are a praying type. I can sooo relate to wanting to hide too!

{Click here for the video I mentioned above. }

16th Century Perk: Mama Drama Monday

Regardless of vengeful monarchs and beheadings, the 16th century was on to something...

And be sure to check out a little more in depth thoughts on my conference experience here.

Establishing Peace Among Us: Faith-Filled Friday

Anxiety is a common term around here. My son (in the picture) struggles with it day in and day out.
The little eight year old mind seems to wrestle with peace and discord.
All the time.
And it's something he showed signs of from the time he was very young. But still.
Guilt presses in on my mama heart as I consider the anxiety-ridden mess that was my marriage these past two years, and the thin shadow of stress that still follows us around. I know it will be there for quite some time in this wounded marriage, and we must find peace within the tension.
What seeps out from our relationship is surely absorbed by our children at some level.
On this Faith-Filled friday, I long for peace established among us...
Among the heart of my son who often loses hope in any peace as he cannot shut off his mind.
Among my house, where there are many treaded-upon eggshells.
Among my own heart, that I don't contribute to the mess, but channel the peace God so freely offers in His grace.

We are small compared to the entirety of God's people referenced in the verse above, but our family is in need of peace just the same. And I have hope, because I know God has performed works even here.

Mr. & Mrs. Clique: H.S. Drama All Grown Up

I have felt the sting of cliques as young as 2nd grade. And I know I have contributed to stinging an innocent bystander (or wanna-be-included gal), plenty of times.

But I never thought the drama of cliques would graduate into adulthood alive and well and…shall we say, stinging?

Yep. I have felt the sting as a thirty-something. And I just gotta get it out…

UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

I have seen it as a transplant who didn’t place their roots in a town early enough and had to squeeze into well-established groups of old friends, tight-knit mom’s groups, church families (squirm).

AND…I have clung to a welcoming clique, turning my stinger on eager friendship outside the circle, causing hurt and heartache.

We’re all adults, we shouldn’t let it get to us right???

But, just cuz we're all grown up, doesn't mean that cliquing hurts any less.

The thing is, we all want to belong, and when we have a husband and children involved, it can sometimes feel like the shunning extends beyond ourselves, and to our loved ones.

That’s when it really bugs me. 

Even if it’s unintentional, even if it’s “normal”, clique-ing is an inevitable force to be reckoned with…or to stand against and try and strengthen your heart for the blast.

Lately, I have felt it most even though we have finally stayed put in one place for longer than a couple years. And while I will be the first to admit that I have a group of close friends, I will also be the first to say that I am the eager parent sitting on the sidelines, wanting to connect with those in my community.

And sometimes, I do.

And sometimes, I feel like a fly on the wall of a social extravaganza. 

It’s easy to shrug off most days, but when I start noticing a trend of it affecting my kids’ chance to be part of something…I feel panic bloom in my chest and I brainstorm a million reasons why I am not “cool” and how I can get “cool” before high school sports begin!

ACK!

Today, as I was driving home from my son's football practice, I was shuffling through my brain to reason myself out of the "what if me not always fitting in affects his not fitting in..." And, a truth swarmed my mind and rested in my heart.

God's got it. He knows our coming and our going, and He places people in our lives, friends in our paths, opportunities in our reach, for a reason.

If we find ourselves within the group, outside the group, or on the fringe, He is still there with us--shaping us and loving us.

Everything can be used for our good and His glory. So why the heck am I fretting so much about silly things like being known and knowing my kids will be given the chance to belong, too?

I am confessing this to the great blog world out there. And hoping that this little post keeps me accountable to myself. Even as I type this, I want to slap an ad on Facebook, “If you see me clique-ing, please slap me up the head”… Or, “Wanna be friends? I don’t care where you belong.”

"High School” me is awakened, and I’ve sooooo grown past that. If I could just ignore the growing pains.

**Disclaimer: To my dear sweet friends--This post is written with no one person in mind, but based on a social occurrence that I have noticed since post-college life...which has been many many years of data. HA! I think most of you who are in my every day life, know exactly where I am coming from, but for those who don't, really this is an "in-general" observation and not a hint or a nudge or a slap...I am as guilty as much as anyone!**

Happy Summer 2015

The last days of summer are upon us. We are talking school supplies, school clothes, school jitters. I have one going in 8th grade, one in 5th, one in 3rd, and one in pre-k. While we busy ourselves with wrapping up lazy summer days and late summer nights, I look back over all we've done. And I see the good over the bad. I am certain there hasn't been any less bickering than other summers before, but as the kids grow, I am enjoying the fun times even more.

Besides a quick glimpse of our fun in the collage above, I had to share this one moment which makes me smile every time. My boys are constantly singing and dancing and making music as we drive. This is a perfect capture of Summer 2015 car time.

Happy Summer!

TBT: 2 years is a lifetime.

I look at the picture taken in 2013 and see those kids through the eyes of a different person:  one untouched by a storm, deeply rooted in her worldview, and expecting much from her own effort to grow these kids.

Now, in 2015, I see these kids through the lens fogged by a storm, with my worldview devastated but growing new, and expecting much from God's Grace to grow these kids His way regardless of my effort.

How can two years seem so far away?

How can so much hurt and heartache happen in 24 months?

And how can HOPE grow so big in a lifetime of two years? Only by Him who gives it freely. 

Mom's Simple Summer Eats

Sometimes, I just like to cook easy...and not frozen or leftovers...good, whole, simple food. This is always a family win: salmon with garden fresh herbs, watermelon, and local sweet corn. Takes about 20 mins to put together! What's for dinner at your house?

Throwback Thursday: 7-8-15

2009 to 2014.
One thing hasn't changed.
They are still my babies...even if they think they are all grown up.