My Son's Advocate: Mama Drama Monday

What do you do when your child is crushed by life? Every turn you see him struggle, you see him deal with emotions way too big for his life's predicaments. You see the glow of childhood snuffed out with the blink of a school semester.

I pray, and beg, and cry.

I seek answers, and solutions, and negotiations.

What I've come to find out is, getting him help starts with me. There's nobody so in-tuned to the heart of a child than his mother (except God, of course). And if I was unaware of his coming and going, his failures and struggles, then I think, he'd truly be tossed to the wayside to deal with life on his own.

And that can lead to a whole slew of problems down the way.

I write this today, to all the mamas out there. If you sense your child is clouded with gloom, speak up. If he's overwhelmed at school, set up that meeting with the counselor...the teacher...the principal. You are your child's ONLY advocate. You are the one who is attached to him not only by responsibility, but by love. And Love is definitely a powerful weapon.

I didn't realize how easy it would be for my child to get lost in the crowd, and I didn't expect his school's resources to be so willing to help. But I had to ask.

I had to be the squeaky wheel...for the sake of my child.

Lights were turned on, paths are being carved, and I see hope in my child's stance again. I see relief flow down upon his shoulders like cool waters, and he smiles and he anticipates and he is eager. He's found joy, or at least, the promise of it in the weeks ahead.

 I sit here, on this Mama Drama monday, the day after Mother's Day, and think, wow, what horrible drama might have occurred if I didn't listen to my God-given instinct to raise up my child through the muck.

Listen to your hearts, listen to your child, and step out as their advocate.

You are the only one.

Bully Mind Games

Mama bear came OUT the other day.

While I can talk peace and negotiations on almost all issues...when someone physically and emotionally harms my kid and gets away with it? I see red.

So when my teen son comes home and says a kid physically "bullied" him unprovoked, and I see the wounded pride and fear in his eyes, my mind scrambles any intelligent advice I should give.

Thank God this parenting thing is a two person gig around here.

Because, while I hadn't really had much experience with being physically bullied, my husband had. And he knew the feelings and the mindset of both the bully and the bullied. He also knew that our son, who has had an extremely tough year, was at a crossroads. We'd seen a confident young man allow image, insecurity, and meanness steal his joy and his love of being a kid. Eighth grade has been awful around here...just as it was for me. And my heart has been hurting for my son for a very long time. My husband told me that our son would have to stand up for himself if he had any chance at getting past his extremely large internal hurdle. But what did that look like? I didn't know.

The next morning, fully prepared to storm into the principal's office if my son so happened to defend himself (as I shamefully advised in my effort to "equip" my son), I overheard my husband prepping him before the bus arrived.

"Be confident. Even if you're scared to death inside, be confident. Stare the guy in the eye when you see him. Don't let him see you scared. Be prepared to defend yourself, and don't let him intimidate you."

Most of all, my son left the house knowing that if it came to it, he had full permission to defend himself, and his parents were on his side.

That afternoon, my same son, who had admitted to leaving class early the day before to avoid more confrontation with the bully, informed us of his newest encounter.

And he didn't hide this time. He stood tall, and did his best to exude confidence.
When the bully said he was going to fight him after school, my son said,

"Fine."

In class, my son stared the dude down (I can imagine the look as he often gives it to his younger brothers...scary)! And just as his father told him, my son used his mind before his fists and had a very tall, bulky friend stick by his side after school. The bell rang, and they waited around in the hallway-- the bully and his friends on one side and my son and a friend on the other side. Waiting. Probably wondering...probably fighting away nerves inside.

Finally, my son looked the bully in the eye once more and said,

"So, are you going to fight me?" 

And you know what happened?

The bully walked away. THE BULLY WALKED AWAY!

After my son's glorious retelling, I don't think I've ever seen my husband so stunned, my son so at peace, and I've never felt so dang proud of both my son and my husband.

Mind Games won. Even if my son shrunk into the corner the day before, he went to school with a new weapon: CONFIDENCE. And while my son was ready to defend himself (with our permission...sorry if you don't agree) and he used back up...knowing he would be defended by his extremely kind friend who said he would...it never came to that.

IT came down to a bully wanting a wimp to dump on his brokenness and frustration with life, and what he got was a no-nonsense, get-what-you-asked-for response from my son.

Thanks to my husband who knew the mind games needed, and kudos to my son who FINALLY listened to his father!

If You Let Us: A Parent's Cry To Parent

Son,

It's been a hard year. School's not as safe as it used to be. You used to say, "School's not about being social, it's about grades." And now, the social monster has scared away the focus on anything real.

Your heart is on a battleground and other kids are poking and prodding and trying to see just how tough it is. They don't know what they are doing, but it feels like they are winning a fight you didn't sign up for.

Your dad and I know what it feels like. Even though you think we don't understand...

We do.

It's a heart attack that nobody is ever prepared for. It's a fact of broken humanity that always seems like a blow...even if we say it could happen, even if the counselors warn you against it.

This battle just pulls you off your feet and makes you feel like an ant about to be smushed.

Being on the defense hurts on a battleground that appeared to be neutral. Starting from scratch is no fun when you've grown so much.

But there's something that Dad and I can do. There's a way we CAN help.

If you let us.

We can provide for you a safe place. When you enter these walls, we can give you sanctuary. We are here for you. And we want to talk. There's only a few things we ask:

Can you be honest when we ask "How was your day?"

Will you take a deep breath before you give in to anger?

And will you at least try and consider our advice- honest, well-thought out advice- before taking that next step?

That's all.

We just want to close the gap in our communication. We want to have this partnership with you in growing up. It's kinda what we're meant to do...just like you are meant to get through school, maybe find a sport or hobby, and grow up.

We've gone through the same growing pains as you. And right now, we are freed up to share in yours. To share...not take them away from you. That's not our job...and it's not in our ability. There's Someone who knows best. And He's the Guy who put us here to share in them with you.

Bud, we feel your pain, and we hope to ease your heartache by being your advocate, your safe place. We can help you grow stronger and wiser.

If you let us.

(Mom&Dad)

When Your Kid Wants To Hide

This school year started out great...now it's kinda fizzling. And it's only October.

Have you've seen the sweet video of the little girl telling her parents to stop fighting and to bring their emotions down? ( I'll put a link below.)

Sometimes I just want to tell my children, "Be steady, bring it down." just like the little girl. Crazy high emotions around here....But then I think, oh boy, we have a good fourteen years ahead, all the d-r-a-m- that comes with adolescence to adulthood is in our future as well as our present.

I really don't have anything profound to say today. I am tapped out of any practical, pro-active solutions. The little human beings running around my house have hearts out of whack, emotions flooding their little brains, and outsiders putting a big fat wrench in their plans (and mine) to be A-okay, happy, un-touched, thriving school kids.

Honestly, there isn't anything huge stunting their joy. But there are little things that are making it seem pretty big.

There's the mean kid who pushes his weight around by teasing...I mean...our name is sooooo easy to tease...but come on-- sometimes I wish I wasn't a conscientious parent and could give my boys some zinger-come-backs. Yeah, I could talk the talk when I needed too.

And then, there are kids who mock my son's abilities. The abilities he used to pride himself in--now, he's letting them get in his head. He's agreeing with them. "I suck," he says.

How did it come to this?

Didn't we teach our kids well?

Didn't we prepare them for the mean ol' world out there?

What can I even say to help him? Right now, he just wants to stay home from school. He wants to hide.

And while that sounds like a solution, that's just living in fear.

I have told him that I feel the same way sometimes when it comes to my writing. Like, I am not good enough each time I get a rejection. And believe me...after ten years of pursuing publication...I have had PLENTY of rejections. Seems like a pretty good analogy, right?

But he's a kid. And like I said, his heart is out of whack--it's reaching out for acceptance in all the wrong places. The only true place to find it is up.

 Yeah.

Tell that to a bullied kid....I will have to look up FOR him, I guess.

This mama's heart is being tested to the max...and I just don't feel up to the challenge. Ever felt that way? Pray for me if you are a praying type. I can sooo relate to wanting to hide too!

{Click here for the video I mentioned above. }

Brotherly love?

Some days, I sit and smile as I listen to my boys playing their imaginary games and getting along like best friends. But then there are days like yesterday, when I see the ugliness of unprovoked meanness. Maybe it's because I am the oldest child, I never experienced the harsh "shunning" of an older sibling, but my 6 year old takes A LOT of my older son acting annoyed with him, even when my 6 year old is just being a friend to him! Grrr...it makes me so angry!
And yesterday topped it off when my oldest's friend was at the house, and my 6 year old told him with great enthusiasm what he got for Christmas. The friend just shrugged his shoulders and blew him off like he could care less. Is that an 8/9 year old boy attitude thing?
If it is, I am not going to sit back and let it ride out. This is a perfect opportunity to chisel my oldest's character, and although I know the process is going to be painful, hopefully he will thank me some day. There is no excuse to treat anyone less than human, right? My son treats our dog better than his younger brothers at times!

It doesn't help my nerves that my 6 year old's strongest quality is his ability to put others ahead of himself. He has often given up a toy to let someone else have it, given his whole allowance to a Salvation Army bucket, and most of all, adores his older brother and rejoices with him when he rejoices! Last night, he got so excited for my oldest that I finally downloaded some music on his new ipod touch. My 6 year old was more excited for him than he was! Geez, twist my heart even more!
Now, my oldest is not without great qualities...he also has a big heart, but he focuses it less on his brother and more on everyone else.
I constantly tell him that one day he will regret not having a good relationship with his brother...heck, my sisters and I just started getting along well into our adult life.
 But most of all, I have to remember to pray specifically for the boys' friendship.
In our family, one of our values is, "I am third"- God, others, self...It's been easy to show this to the boys in broad terms during the holidays, but now we need to hone in on our family core...God help us!