I sit here, waiting to say goodbye to my Yiayia. She's 92, and ready to go home to Jesus. And even if she lives one more month or two...I won't be back as I live across the country.
Last year this time, I was in the thick of a refining faith. I felt closer to Jesus than ever. I was assured by His grace, His love, His plan.
I cling to those now.
But weariness smothers what's left of my believer's heart.
The weariness of a fight. The weariness of broken dreams. The weariness of beating lies.
I want to stand by my Yiayia and pour truth into her ear. Give her the everlasting hope that her God has promised her. She knows it, deep down. She's been taught her whole life. But I see her flesh consume her peace. And she forgets.
I remember. I remember the hope. Even if it's been beaten alive by a cruel argument, even if it is mocked and tattered. Even if fear creeps in and tries to blot it out.
I remember it.
For God did not give me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, and LOVE, and SOUND MIND.
And with that, I will say goodbye to my Yiayia, and remind her God loves her, and she's been blessed by a sound mind even until now, and that the power of the Holy Spirit inside her will give her such a ride to Heaven that fear will flee forever.
I'll cling to that.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Living Love...and what else is going on.
I've been very absent.
And while I've been gone, life has done a few summersaults. Some have landed on good, some on bad...some on new ground. But what I am most excited about are two steady places where my feet find momentum to move forward:
First, A NEW NOVEL! I am trucking along on a story...one that I feel I have been prepared to write since I was a teenager. This novel is by far the most intense thing I have ever written...but it is soooo rewarding to hash out! I am super excited, nervous, and encouraged all at once!
Secondly, and most importantly...I have come to an active, participating forward motion of
And while I've been gone, life has done a few summersaults. Some have landed on good, some on bad...some on new ground. But what I am most excited about are two steady places where my feet find momentum to move forward:
First, A NEW NOVEL! I am trucking along on a story...one that I feel I have been prepared to write since I was a teenager. This novel is by far the most intense thing I have ever written...but it is soooo rewarding to hash out! I am super excited, nervous, and encouraged all at once!
Secondly, and most importantly...I have come to an active, participating forward motion of
LIVING LOVE
It's a place where I can be reckless with my love yet nurture my heart in a positive way. Like one person said to me long ago, life is not about "majoring in the minors". Life is so much bigger, Love is so much bigger, GOD is so much bigger. I don't want those little things to trip me up anymore...those doctrines, those negative words, those prideful strongholds. Living love is wrought with PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, JOY, GENTLENESS, PERSEVERANCE, FAITHFULNESS, SELFCONTROL. Practicing those more and more.
In much more fun news, I have taken a plunge and have started a new venture! I am selling Jamberry nail wraps. It is an exciting thing...not uber dramatic (like the rest of my life has been HA!), but uber cute and creative (over 300 designs)! If you are interested in finding out more, checkout my Facebook page,
Don't know how consistent I will be with posting this next month. Life's still throwing me curve balls every now and then!
Have a great week!
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Alone in the Pew
Today was my third service at a new church.
It has been hard. Each time.
Didn't realize it would be so hard.
My husband lets me to take the children to church, even though he disagrees with faith altogether.
Like I said, I didn't know it would be so hard. Each time, I am a blubbering fool. Each time I am reminded of a dream crushed beneath a cynic's feet. And each time I realize that I am stepping out on a new frontier after 18 years of sitting beside my best friend in God's house. I am that woman. Alone, maybe with her tween son beside her, but no equally yoked man. Nope, I am alone in the pew, allowing God too minister to me....alone.
I didn't know it would be so hard.
But it is good.
Today, the pastor preached on traditions. If you know me, I have cast off a lot of traditions. I didn't realize it would come to the tradition of worshipping and fellowship with my husband beside me. But as the pastor stated, If the tradition builds a wall between you and God--cast it off, and if it is a tradition that brings about the good news of Christ---keep it.
I am choosing to realize, I am keeping the tradition of church in my life...no matter how difficult it is to keep going. It is good and brings me to God, and proclaims Jesus in my heart and the hearts of my children.
I sat there today, thinking about the hardships and how I could smile in the midst of the toil. But, after some tears, I was able. God is so close. And He is allowing this to happen for a reason. And I am no coward. I can handle it. He made me. He knows I can.
And He is getting to spend time with me more than ever.
Even when it is so hard. He is worth the tradition.
It has been hard. Each time.
Didn't realize it would be so hard.
My husband lets me to take the children to church, even though he disagrees with faith altogether.
Like I said, I didn't know it would be so hard. Each time, I am a blubbering fool. Each time I am reminded of a dream crushed beneath a cynic's feet. And each time I realize that I am stepping out on a new frontier after 18 years of sitting beside my best friend in God's house. I am that woman. Alone, maybe with her tween son beside her, but no equally yoked man. Nope, I am alone in the pew, allowing God too minister to me....alone.
I didn't know it would be so hard.
But it is good.
Today, the pastor preached on traditions. If you know me, I have cast off a lot of traditions. I didn't realize it would come to the tradition of worshipping and fellowship with my husband beside me. But as the pastor stated, If the tradition builds a wall between you and God--cast it off, and if it is a tradition that brings about the good news of Christ---keep it.
I am choosing to realize, I am keeping the tradition of church in my life...no matter how difficult it is to keep going. It is good and brings me to God, and proclaims Jesus in my heart and the hearts of my children.
I sat there today, thinking about the hardships and how I could smile in the midst of the toil. But, after some tears, I was able. God is so close. And He is allowing this to happen for a reason. And I am no coward. I can handle it. He made me. He knows I can.
And He is getting to spend time with me more than ever.
Even when it is so hard. He is worth the tradition.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
ABIDE, really now.
11 months ago, I heard God tell me He wants me to abide in Him. My trial was much lesser of a problem back then. It really had to do with publishing and writing. Not that those are lesser things, they are my passions after all.
But now, on this day, I am brought back to that word: ABIDE. And I realize, up until this very moment, God has tried to teach me what that really means. At one time, I thought it meant to wait in Him. To remember He is in control and I am in good hands. And maybe it still does. But I have been whipped around in a vicious storm as of late, and I realize that ABIDE means so much more.
It's wrapped up in something no human can truly grasp. It's unreasonable, really.
The fullness of ABIDE is something completely holistic, the whole of it being encapsulated by His unfailing love. ABIDE is nothing less than:
Standing strong in the complete conviction of God's unfailing love...to live in it, breathe it,act upon it, and rest in it amidst any storm, every day, every hour, each moment we live.
I didn't really get that 11 months ago. I haven't really gotten that. But, God's drawing me closer. He's bringing me to this conclusion more and more.
Nothing can separate us from His unfailing love. Nothing. Even if we choose to not take it, to not abide, He is there, giving it freely.
It is up to me to receive it.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
But now, on this day, I am brought back to that word: ABIDE. And I realize, up until this very moment, God has tried to teach me what that really means. At one time, I thought it meant to wait in Him. To remember He is in control and I am in good hands. And maybe it still does. But I have been whipped around in a vicious storm as of late, and I realize that ABIDE means so much more.
It's wrapped up in something no human can truly grasp. It's unreasonable, really.
The fullness of ABIDE is something completely holistic, the whole of it being encapsulated by His unfailing love. ABIDE is nothing less than:
Standing strong in the complete conviction of God's unfailing love...to live in it, breathe it,act upon it, and rest in it amidst any storm, every day, every hour, each moment we live.
I didn't really get that 11 months ago. I haven't really gotten that. But, God's drawing me closer. He's bringing me to this conclusion more and more.
Nothing can separate us from His unfailing love. Nothing. Even if we choose to not take it, to not abide, He is there, giving it freely.
It is up to me to receive it.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
How Long?
I woke up this morning with that song on my mind, "How long, to sing this song..." Although, my 'how long' meant something so different.
How long, oh God, will this last?
How long will we struggle through this trial?
And I pulled out my journal, and wrote a prayer, and you can see what I wrote:
And then, I responded to an email, and told a friend, "I just keep asking, how long?"
Yes, it was the cry of my heart this morning.
And I opened my study, the same study that I opened last time I posted about God speaking through it...and I went to the next section. And it lead me to this (which you will understand its significance further into my post):
"God's child who trusts His love possesses security in her salvation." -Beth Moore, Breaking Free
It gets better. This is the scripture it referenced:
Oh HOLY FATHER!
Just yesterday, I pondered salvation. I wondered if, perhaps, God might be taking me on a journey in a whole new direction...perhaps there is no such thing as salvation at all?
Well, as I pondered, I suddenly grew aware of the bitterness of that. The pointlessness of life without my Savior. It was as if God shook me and woke me up from a dream.
How can He be so faithful? Before I started my study this morning, I decided to write down everything He has shown me these past months that prove His faithfulness. And you know what? The only reason I stumble, is because I fail to obey what He shows me!! Time and time again, God gives me truth, and time and time again, I forget.
He has dealt bountifully with me, and now it is up to me to sing and trust in His lovingkindness!
How long, oh God, will this last?
How long will we struggle through this trial?
And I pulled out my journal, and wrote a prayer, and you can see what I wrote:
And then, I responded to an email, and told a friend, "I just keep asking, how long?"
Yes, it was the cry of my heart this morning.
And I opened my study, the same study that I opened last time I posted about God speaking through it...and I went to the next section. And it lead me to this (which you will understand its significance further into my post):
"God's child who trusts His love possesses security in her salvation." -Beth Moore, Breaking Free
It gets better. This is the scripture it referenced:
Psalm 13
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Prayer for Help in Trouble.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
13
How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
4
And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5
But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
Oh HOLY FATHER!
Just yesterday, I pondered salvation. I wondered if, perhaps, God might be taking me on a journey in a whole new direction...perhaps there is no such thing as salvation at all?
Well, as I pondered, I suddenly grew aware of the bitterness of that. The pointlessness of life without my Savior. It was as if God shook me and woke me up from a dream.
How can He be so faithful? Before I started my study this morning, I decided to write down everything He has shown me these past months that prove His faithfulness. And you know what? The only reason I stumble, is because I fail to obey what He shows me!! Time and time again, God gives me truth, and time and time again, I forget.
He has dealt bountifully with me, and now it is up to me to sing and trust in His lovingkindness!
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