Bah Hum Bug Go Away!

Lately, I have been under serious bah hum bug attack. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone says something, does something, or looks the wrong way and I become an emotional, over-sensitive, easily-offended wreck. WHY??? Why now, when it's beautiful outside (winter just began, so it shouldn't bring me down...yet), the kids are excited for Christmas, the house is decorated, and festivities are all around us?
It just seems like everything I was confident in, looking forward too, have failed and disappointed...my self-confidence is out the window, and I just haven't been prayed up enough to handle it!
I remember this time last year, I picked up one of my old Beth Moore studies and just started doing it on my own. I probably need to do that again...I seriously regret not taking her track this Fall, she always pushes me forward spiritually...Maybe that's my problem, I expect help along the way, instead of just trusting God to be there...ugh!

Signs, signs, signs

So I walked into the room today, to my 8 year old on top of 5 year old, ready to knock his lights out. I gave the oldest a mean look and did a bunch of hand motions to get him out of the room, while I was talking on the phone about another type of argument. UGH! He reluctantly left, trying to explain that his brother had thrown a football directly to his head...
But as much as I see my boys take their frustrations out with physical contempt, I am guilty of taking out my own frustration with words...or I use words via mouth, email, facebook, to prove a point, mend a situation, or just vent.

Lately, God has poked and prodded so much so that "hindsight is 20/20" has been my cliche mantra for my life! If you've ever seen Bruce Almighty (okay, not necessarily a God-ordained film!) but he asks God for a sign and several signs show up that he ignores and then crashes into a lamp post.
That, my friends, is ME!
Whether the signs be a slow internet connection, a million call-waitings while I am in a sticky conversation, or a heightened swell of emotion that should never result in spoken words, I get so many signs and still resort to ignoring them to get my satisfaction in working the kinks out myself... unfortunately those kinks turn into double knots or worse, broken threads in a relationship.
Okay, I know some of my close friends and family who read this are going to say, "You're too hard on yourself", but seriously, if anyone has never been in these kinds of situations, could you please consider becoming my personal counselor?

December baby, I remember you.

I listened to this song..the song that helped me mourn the baby I lost in May. I would be 38 weeks right now. I saw the little heartbeat then, and am reminded just now that I have stronger connections to Heaven than I have felt lately...life has been full of worldly stuff. Thank you Jesus for drawing me to my knees and humbling my heart once more.

A Doubting SAHM

Can I really play the pregnancy card when it comes to emotions? I have just been one not so fun, stressed out, un-nice mama lately. I feel like I walk around in a haze of knowing what needs to get done, planning on doing it, and then getting completely off track! That is not exactly abnormal for my non-pregnancy self, but lately it has gotten under my skin and made me grumpy!
I feel like I have stepped backwards about 7 years, where I have one child home all the time, and don't know how to entertain him ALL day long! You'd think after raising 3 toddlers I'd have figured out some tricks. But alas, I am in the shoes of a frustrated SAHM having serious doubts that I am better for my son than full-time preschool...at least there he would be learning, interacting, and having structure all day long...Here, he gets bits and pieces of me, a couple of stories read, maybe a game played, but the rest of the time is mommy rushing around trying to get things done.
My biggest confession in this, is that sometimes I really don't want to sit down and "play". UGH! I wish I could redefine the role of SAHM in my head and realize that I am NOT the trick of all trades...that I am a loving, caring, ready-to-help mom, but not a preschool teacher, a psychologist, a day planner, a maid...the list goes on of the roles I must play, but am far from mastering.
I never understood the concept that weather changes moods...but after suffering through last winter, and now trying my darnedest to stay positive this winter, I think perhaps there is truth in the weather mood ring...how annoying! I keep quoting on of my favorite characters, Scarlett O'Hara, "Afterall, tomorrow is another day"...well it's tomorrow now, and I am disappointed in how much effort it takes to push me forward, but if I get off this computer right now, I might be able to redeem myself. ;)

My Excuse For A Christmas Send Out.

A glimpse at the inside of last year's trifold

 For all of those who have known me for a while, you know I live for sending out Christmas cards...the graphic designer/photographer in me loves to come up with an interesting way to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and show how much the boys have grown. This year, for the first time since I've been married (almost 11 years), I have regrettably given up on creating a unique card, and will be sending out a pre-designed photo card this year! UGH!
In my defense, I do have a good excuse...my printer is on the fritz...making it more of an effort to drive back and forth to the copy place (in 5 degree weather)...
When we received our pre-made cards in the mail, I scrutinized them greatly, and my husband got annoyed because I was about to return them. I quickly rushed to my computer and came up with my own design, sent it to the copy place, and ran out the door.... eh, it had work still to do, and I contemplated all the effort on my drive home.
I came to the conclusion that I was being soley driven by pride and it was turning into a frantic frenzy of getting caught in what others think about me.

You probably think I am crazy, but I am glad that I can't do it all right now. I finally have given myself permission to do what I can, without stressing about what I can't....perfect timing for the Christmas season!