Bully Mind Games

Mama bear came OUT the other day.

While I can talk peace and negotiations on almost all issues...when someone physically and emotionally harms my kid and gets away with it? I see red.

So when my teen son comes home and says a kid physically "bullied" him unprovoked, and I see the wounded pride and fear in his eyes, my mind scrambles any intelligent advice I should give.

Thank God this parenting thing is a two person gig around here.

Because, while I hadn't really had much experience with being physically bullied, my husband had. And he knew the feelings and the mindset of both the bully and the bullied. He also knew that our son, who has had an extremely tough year, was at a crossroads. We'd seen a confident young man allow image, insecurity, and meanness steal his joy and his love of being a kid. Eighth grade has been awful around here...just as it was for me. And my heart has been hurting for my son for a very long time. My husband told me that our son would have to stand up for himself if he had any chance at getting past his extremely large internal hurdle. But what did that look like? I didn't know.

The next morning, fully prepared to storm into the principal's office if my son so happened to defend himself (as I shamefully advised in my effort to "equip" my son), I overheard my husband prepping him before the bus arrived.

"Be confident. Even if you're scared to death inside, be confident. Stare the guy in the eye when you see him. Don't let him see you scared. Be prepared to defend yourself, and don't let him intimidate you."

Most of all, my son left the house knowing that if it came to it, he had full permission to defend himself, and his parents were on his side.

That afternoon, my same son, who had admitted to leaving class early the day before to avoid more confrontation with the bully, informed us of his newest encounter.

And he didn't hide this time. He stood tall, and did his best to exude confidence.
When the bully said he was going to fight him after school, my son said,

"Fine."

In class, my son stared the dude down (I can imagine the look as he often gives it to his younger brothers...scary)! And just as his father told him, my son used his mind before his fists and had a very tall, bulky friend stick by his side after school. The bell rang, and they waited around in the hallway-- the bully and his friends on one side and my son and a friend on the other side. Waiting. Probably wondering...probably fighting away nerves inside.

Finally, my son looked the bully in the eye once more and said,

"So, are you going to fight me?" 

And you know what happened?

The bully walked away. THE BULLY WALKED AWAY!

After my son's glorious retelling, I don't think I've ever seen my husband so stunned, my son so at peace, and I've never felt so dang proud of both my son and my husband.

Mind Games won. Even if my son shrunk into the corner the day before, he went to school with a new weapon: CONFIDENCE. And while my son was ready to defend himself (with our permission...sorry if you don't agree) and he used back up...knowing he would be defended by his extremely kind friend who said he would...it never came to that.

IT came down to a bully wanting a wimp to dump on his brokenness and frustration with life, and what he got was a no-nonsense, get-what-you-asked-for response from my son.

Thanks to my husband who knew the mind games needed, and kudos to my son who FINALLY listened to his father!

What I Want To Say To My Son

I want to say:

You aren't into girls yet. Really. You think you are because of the buzz around you...because of the friends talking about break ups and crushes and hotties. But that's not you. That doesn't define you, no matter how much you want it to.
Yeah, it's "cool" to be "taken". It's a confidence booster to have a girl "commit" herself to you. But that's no reason to follow the crowd.
Actually, that's a red flag there. That's you seeking affirmation in the wrong place. That's you putting your worth in the hands of another and in the perceptions of others.

The thing is, I have always wanted to protect your heart. I wanted something for you that was better than I received at your age. When I was your age, I desperately avoided looking gullible and in-the-dark. I was eager to listen to anyone and everyone to understand the ways of the world out there. And I got most of my information outside of my home, from the mouths of other kids. It was just how I thought I would learn things. My parents were not my first resource. They were usually a last resort.

I so wanted something different for you. You were raised in a home with two parents who tried their best to balance appropriateness with honesty. We didn't want you to learn things faster than you should, but we didn't want to keep you in a bubble. The older we get, we realize that honesty is the best policy.

But we can't sit on your shoulder. We can't be there for you to answer those questions you have when your friends mention things you don't understand. We can't guard your heart for you.

Only you can do that.

Only you can choose the path of a conversation, and the need-to-know. It's sooo hard. You are curious. And that's okay. But just remember, once you hear or see something, you can't erase it. It's in your mind...and it can root in your heart if you focus on it too much. It can distort your view of yourself and the world around you. 

It's okay to stand tall and walk away. Even from that friend. If they're your true friend, they'll respect you in that. It's okay to back off of this "relationship" thing. Not in a mean way, not in a hurtful way, just in a personal decision to back your heart away, and remember who you are truly. In the eyes of your mom, your dad, and your Creator. You are a confident, responsible, insanely smart, loyal friend, growing Christian, super athlete, firstborn, brother...BIG brother...and most of all, a DIFFERENCE MAKER. 

Or, you can be.

If you act on it. Yes. You can make a difference in this world, one that matters. Don't let the buzz, the friends, and the world distract you from your calling to greatness.

Son, remember who you are, and stay true to yourself. No pressure here, no condemnation. Just love. 

That's what I would say. Should I?