My First Goodbye

I've lived here for 2 1/2 years...wait...2 1/2 wonderfully blessed, full, fun years! And when I first found out we were moving, I didn't think it would be too big of a deal. Yes, we have had a great time, but we knew it wasn't forever, and we are only moving a couple of hours away.
So I've been upbeat, busy bee (not my style at all!), and focusing on the kids for this transition of schools, neighborhoods, familiarity.

But when it came to say the first goodbye, my heart trembled and I wept. How could this be? How could I let this move get to me when I had prepared myself not to get too attached in the first place?
But I was saying goodbye to the women who welcomed me first, who allowed me to take the reigns of their ministry as coordinator, and shape it and mold it without really knowing me-- PLC MOPS, or now known as Cafe Mom-- is now a closed chapter in my life, a first goodbye that made me realize I am not as ready for this as I thought.

A Dream Unfading

Sometimes a dream kind of fades away and you know that it is no longer attainable, or worthy of your time. Every once in a while, I think that way about writing. Yesterday, I got my first rejection in my pursuit for an agent...actually, my first rejection for this particular book. And even though I was a little sad and freaked out at the possibility I may never find a place for this novel, I was still able to see the forward movement in my growth as a writer by processing all the agent said to me (she was very kind to respond to my query thoroughly). I have already gained much from this rejection, and don't see the dream fading, but pulsating with clarity in its persistence to reach that next level. One door may have closed momentarily, but God is swinging the greater door to and fro, coaxing me forward to see what is in store next. My dream is just around the corner, alive and well, and I am gathering up the armor to fight for it and make it reality.

Old Shoes and Broken Toys

His toddler shoes next to his big boy shoes.

Isn't it weird how material items can bring forth such deep emotional stirring? As I filter through the stuffed closets and the overflowing dresser drawers in preparation to sell the house, I come across old memories in the form of tiny shoes and broken toys. And they're not specific memories, but memories of a little toddler whom I loved with all my heart, the little boy who blessed me first as a mother. And then to think that was just the beginning, and these material items which I sadly let go of eight years later, were part of each of my sons' lives, adding color to the faint visuals that creep forth into my mind.

His fourth birthday

His ninth birthda

Cherish, I must. Cherish each inch that keeps them below my chin, because soon, I will be looking up into their maturing faces wondering where the time has gone. Yet, I already do this-- wonder where the time has gone-- and I am still looking down, nurturing and rearing.

Thank you, Lord, for the constant reminders in old shoes and broken toys. For reminding me that these moments are precious, and my hearts will one day walk away to the great wide world. One day, I'll "de-clutter" a lifetime of giggles, bruised knees, wrestling matches, snuggle wuggles, and I pray that my heart can handle the flood.

As I type this, my nine year old complains to me that he has no socks left...and I quickly respond, "go get some of mine, they fit."...they grow so fast!

From a lump of sand

I was once a sloppy, thrown-together stay-at-home mom, trying to gracefully get through my first summer with four children. With school starting, and a midday phone call last Thursday, I have transformed into something else. Call me the slightly high-strung, drooping just a little from lack of sleep, home-stager, realtor interviewer, house-cleaning fool anxiously awaitng the future "For Sale" sign in my yard. Yes, folks, this family is moving, and life has gotten so much crazier!
So, this can't be my excuse for not blogging, but now it's my excuse for being completely brain dead when asked questions like, "Mom, can you help me with my homework?" and I answer "sure" as I leave the room to wash the windows...uh, yeah, he meant at that moment!
I am not a do-er. Not...one...bit. I don't "do" well. I can't have a million things to do and not figure out a way to procrastinate and find the tangent in that. I could say I don't like manual labor, or I have a smidgen left of that college student procrastinator in me (even though it's been eleven years...yikes!). Regardless, Mama has been frazzled.
Aside from getting the house ready for this really terrible market, I have been obsessed with finding the perfect house online. Yes, it's probably a big waste of time because you have to "be there" to really know if you like it...but now my realtor knows the 20 different houses I want to see by the click of my mouse!
Along this journey, I have realized something pretty valuable for myself. I focus on a prospective house and think "Yes, this is perfect, this what I want", and then my husband will point out a feature that doesn't work...Or, I'll think "this is the school we want the boys to go to", and then I find out they are full and my mind's image of that school fades away.
Even though I might get discouraged at that moment, I quickly turn my eyes to the next possibility and watch that last one shrivel away into nothing. My future life is being shaped like a sculptor shapes his sandcastle, shaving away the excess to define its shape and distinction.
As I keep Christ in the forefront of my mind with every decision and every disappointment, I know he is using this transforming time to remind me of his refining fire. My discouragement, impatience, selfishness are constantly being shaved away just like the dreams that aren't meant to be mine-- They are melted away by fire and shaping me for this giant step away from this home.
Isn't it amazing to see God's hand in our journeys?

Bye Bye Summer!

Life is crazy fast, our summer is almost over, and the kids are SOOOO ready to go back to school (and Mama is ready for that too!) I'll start posting regularly after school starts. Hope you are staying cool wherever you are!