An Uncomfortable Decision

What is on my heart right now? Hmm, I sometimes ask that question when my fingers itch to write. The past two weeks, my heart has been consumed with deciding on schools for my boys. Before we had children, I planned on taking the Christian education route, and now, we have enjoyed all that the boys have gained from private school. Some people have had bad experiences with private schools...I have not. I love the atmosphere of the boys' small Christian school, I love the hearts of the teachers.
When a parents' intentions are right, and they have the money to dedicate to it, then I think it is a great opportunity for a child to strive for excellence.

But for us, we have come to a crossroads.

9 years and 4 kids later, we had to re-evaluate that decision and it came down to this:

1. Are we being wise with God's money...is Private school a necessity or a luxury? Luxury
2. And, are our intentions for Christian education Godly or not? Hmmmm....

First, I always said it wasn't, but I think I did consider private school as a necessity for our boys(and girl :) ) to be sheltered from the world. Jesus doesn't want us to be apart from the world, he wants us to use the fallen world to glorify Him. I am not saying that my children should be witnesses to the fallen world...they are too young and that's a lot of pressure for an 8 or 6 year old. But what I do think, is they need to step out of the shelter to learn HOW to make wise choices, to understand the difference between a Believer's choice and a non-Believer's decision. Giving them the opportunity to love the non-believer is such a great thing, it's Christ's great commandment...and to be honest, I don't know if they know anyone who doesn't believe right now.

This will take ALOT of faith in God's protection of our boys' hearts, but knowing that, makes it all the more necessary.

Also, being actively involved in a public school as a parent, gives me the great opportunity to not just point fingers as an outsider, but to show Christ's love and make differences as well.

Second, and most important in our decision, is that we were using private school as a crutch in our parenting. It was easy to be relaxed about their Biblical knowledge and Christian influence at home since we knew they were getting it five days a week at school. You know how public schools sometimes have to take up the parenting role for kids...well, we were letting the private school take up the Spiritual role model for our kids...and this is NOT biblical at all. In the end, all the knowledge and Bible verses that have been taught to my children, will only matter if there is a heart change.

 And no school, teacher, or Bible lesson can guarantee that, only God. And He entrusted the shaping of that heart to us, as parents alone.

We are responsible for our children's spiritual well-being, and although we have not completely let go of that responsibility with private school, we have caressed the edge of making it a lower priority on our part.

So, at first this decision spurred from a money-consciousness, but then, as we hashed it out, I realized all the good that can come out of this. Our pastor at church keeps talking about being uncomfortable...God wants us to be uncomfortable to do great things for Him...if we were comfortable in all we do, then we run the risk of a mediocre walk with Him, and missed opportunities to reach out in Christ's love. If anything is uncomfortable for this mama, it's changing to public school...but I can see how God's glory can come from this change, and I think I'm ready to give God the reigns on this one.

Never go away.

 I just wonder when it will go away?

If I look into my daughter's eyes too long, I am brought to tears, just as I have been every time I recall the sonographer saying, "It's a girl" during my last half of pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE being the mom of three amazing sons! They are my everything, even if they take everything outta me sometimes! ;) 

But a daughter? I just didn't expect it to ever happen, and now that it has, I can't believe the blessing!

Anyone who has known me for a while, knows I have all my old toys sitting in storage. Whenever a little girl would come visit the boys, I'd pull out my Sylvanian family doll house and let them indulge in the miniature stuff. If I thought about it too long, tears would spring knowing that I may have to wait until grandchildren to pass it down (uh...a long, long, LONG time from now) but still.

Now?

I can't even look at the tiny little baby without the little girl inside of me tugging at my heart, daydreaming about playing together some day.

I just wonder when this instant lump in my throat as I look upon my child, will go away? 

I hope never. I fear it will and I will get stuck in monotony. 

But I'll pray.

He Steps UP!

This past week has been such a blessing...I have enjoyed mothering a newborn to the fullest. But I am the kind of person that can always find the negative in the positive...it seems my mind can't be completely satisfied or happy...and sneaking in the back of my mind these past few days, was doubt in another passion of mine-- writing.
I was talking to my MIL just yesterday, about how I felt insecure about it, and wasn't sure if I am really following the right path...Perhaps I feel guilty that I haven't focused on it right now, or maybe, since it is so easy to step away from, I fear my investment in it wasn't really as much as I thought...and if that's the case, then maybe I am not to follow that path?
Honestly though, I know I pushed all that passion to the side to give some room to this precious, short time in my life when I have three young sons and a brand new daughter. Soaking in the chaos, sweetness, and fullness has been my number one priority. And, I know that's okay.
After a full day of honing into the mothering instinct-- my four year old got tubes in his ears and his adenoids out, causing a long day at the surgery center and a lot of nurturing on my part because of his difficulty with the anesthesia wearing off-- I came home to a message saying I am a semi-finalist in a writing contest- a contest I have focused on for months, one that has been a priority of mine since the ACFW conference last year.
WOW.
Didn't even see that coming with all the life going on around me. It took me by elated surprise, and erased a little more of my insecurity. I had entered this contest last year with my first novel, and didn't place, but gained so much advice from the judges comments that I became more aware of what the writing world expects and accepts.  I ended up starting completely from scratch with that novel, finishing it, and then moving on to my current work-in-progress.
I know that I am still in the beginning stages in this contest, but it gives me hope...hope in a passion that I stumbled upon, hope that I am truly on a path God ordained.
Lately, a constant theme in my life has been: God always steps up...Even when I am not ready, not looking, or more so, turning my back completely from his view...He is faithful to me, in good times and bad, and I only hope that I can return the favor to Him.

The Sounds of a Newborn

My daughter's yawn.

I love listening to my baby girl.

When she was just in her first week, her little cry was a one syllable "Aa". 

I wondered if I was the luckiest mother to get such a quiet crier.

Her gulping tells me she is getting milk, and this sound provides

me with relief and assurance.

She reminds me of my boys when they were newborns,

and my memory stirs and I treasure this precious last time

to care for a newborn child as a mother.

She "sings" herself to sleep as I gently pat her. 

My oldest did that.

I chant the typical, "ah, ah, ah baby," or my Greek chant of,

"Nonny, nonny, na, ne, na."

And my sweet baby will moan softly along with me, 

her eyes growing heavy.

I love the coo's and sighs when she is looking around the room.

She is so alert. Her eyes even follow her daddy already.

And I listen to her breathing at night...sometimes a rapid shallow breath, 

making me wonder if she's about to wake, or her quiet sleeping sighs, giving me

permission to catch my own z's for a little while at least. :)

I love her sounds most, when she gets a giggle from her brothers, and I forsee

great times ahead with all four of my children belly laughing together.

Messy House=Treasured Moments

I was just giggling at fun videos of baby twins laughing, crying, and talking to eachother. There are SO many cute clips out there of parents capturing their sweet children in funny cirmcumstances or in every day babble. What I noticed, besides the overall cuteness, was the background stage strewn with laundry, toys, cluttered floors. Maybe it's because I am two weeks post-partum, and can relate more than ever to a messy house.
But what if those parents prioritized and instead of videoing their children, they spent that time cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, and just focusing on what they could get done while the twins entertained themselves? Would it be worth it to have a clean, picked-up house at the cost of missing priceless moments with their kids?
Would they remember how nice their floor looked clutterless, or would they regret missing those fleeting moments of when their children were small for just a blink?
I write this, because I, too often, catch myself worrying about the house over treasuring the time with my kids. It's nice to see messiness in the homes of other moms who choose to let it go, and live life to the fullest!