I am that mom.

I am that mom.

The one who has a gaggle of kids, sitting alone in church.

I am that mom. The one you look at with pity--or criticism--the mom who has a kid sitting in her gaggle who just did THAT in church, when everyone is silent and the pastor's praying.

I am that mom, whose shoulders shake during the prayer because I'm crying so hard at my circumstance, my humiliation, and my anticipation of what's coming next. What's the next disruption my family can manage to include in this one hour long beating of sitting together to focus on the beating of a Savior?

I am that mom, who you might think needs a good talking to because her children are OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW, but they don't behave, and they are disrespectful and loud and angry and giggly and all the things we were never allowed to be in church.

I am that mom who read the SAME parenting books as the mom across the aisle whose kids sit nicely and behave.

I am that mom who may have once judged another mom whose kids were out of control at church, and was miffed that they would disrupt my worship session.

I am that mom who's eating crow.

I am that mom whose family is broken. We just are. We are all grieving. And every church service is a flat-out reminder that we are still in the cycle of grief. Sure, we might not have suffered divorce, or death, or financial ruin--but we are grieving just the same.

Is that why my children--the gifted and talented one, the superstar athlete one, the compassionate, ginormous heart one, and the larger-than-life one--become weighted down with bad behavior when we sit there, trying to focus on the God Who was flushed away by the one person we all love so very much?

I am crushed by my embarrassment. I am absolutely distraught in my hopelessness. And I find myself on the verge of tears even twelve hours later.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever felt like an ant under a spy glass with your tribe throwing knives at you?

My only saving grace is a friend who was there to listen to me weep afterward. A friend who understands the immense pressure I feel, and the possible ground of attack that has replaced our foundation.

I am that mom, who might just let her kids sleep in on Sunday morning, and many Sundays after.

I am that mom, who, if you see me with my eyes closed in prayer, with five empty seats about me, I am praying my heart out for my family.

For the grief.

For the healing.

But most importantly...

For a hopeful future season of renewal and resurrection. And if I see another mom, struggling to maintain her composure, I can be of encouragement and tell her I've been that mom too.

Passion For All: Even the Prostitute, Even the Transgender

I grew up thinking my way or the highway. If you weren't like me, then you weren't as good as me. Sad but true. I think everyone in a way, has that mentality at some point. It's pretty infantile, and pretty much human nature isn't it? It actually might be a little slanted toward the old school American mentality too. We are the best, better than the rest?

Hmmm.

As I grow in this crazy messed up world, especially this extremely divided country, I begin to see a stark contrast even more than ever, of Christ's example versus this society we live in.

I see fear gripping people and causing them to deepen the divide. I see slander of the inspired word of God, used in a literal way to bully and try to suppress those who are just not good enough to be included in the family of God. According to those who have no say in who is created in the first place.

If you are being told that Christ's love and sacrifice is exclusive, then you might want to dig a little deeper.

Today, is Good Friday. It's the day when, after centuries of sacrifice upon sacrifice by a rebellious people to appease a holy God, God gave Himself for ALL the world. He became the final sacrifice so that we might find communion with our Maker forever.

What Christ did for us, is completely unfair, unprosperous, and on an economic system that the touting American who feels entitled to some esteemed rank on the social ladder is actually further away from the truth than they believe.

The economy of Christ is not to choose certain values over loving people. Like the apostle Paul states,

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Choosing Values over Love is UnGodly [period]

And the more I see the news or hear those who cling to a politician or even a political movement because they protect our "Christian" values, the more I wonder how far off the ladder we have fallen?

Shouldn't we instead, choose the person who is willing to love their fellow man unconditionally? After all, it is beyond us to judge. The holy Son of God walked this Earth and spread the Good News for all, only "judging" those who put words in God's mouth and abused the decrees of the Lord. He had the right to judge, but he only used that right to judge the righteous, not the morally-depraved.

It is frightening to see that the fallen world seems to offer more unconditional love than the church of Christ. I wonder if we have completely sold out to a false premise of our beliefs?

This Good Friday, when you see Christ's limp body hanging on the cross in that movie clip, or you take the bread and wine meant to represent his brokenness and bloodshed, remember exactly who Christ meant to include in His sacrifice.

And it's not just my congregation, or the church down the street. But it's the prostitute on the corner, the transgender in the bathroom, the lowest of lows on the 6 o'clock news. God come down for every single one of us.

Those who already choose to Live in His Spirit must Love in His Spirit too. 

The Next Generation

I sat in church today, and the pastor listed several things that are turning away the next generation from church according to stats. And really, they have everything to do with human opinion and assertion, and nothing to do with an authentic relationship with the living Creator.

I reside with the next generation. And I don't want the details to derail their faith. Often, I wonder if these are the days of sifting for the Lord. Is He exposing all the old lies, the hang-ups, the faulty ways of thinking, to remind us just HOW BIG HE IS? Are we being given a gift in knowledge of an upside down worldview that was not align with a right side up God?

A worldview that may have compartmentalized Godly ideals to fit in a 

very limited human constructed box? 

I am clinging to the hope that whatever ill-conceived ideas slip from the mouths of people...whatever well-intentioned-but-completely-off explanations find my children's ears, that God will show up and blow them away with something even bigger and better: Himself.

I can't control their listening. But I can count on God hearing my heart's cry for the next generation.

How I Found Peace in His Mystery

I sit here and wonder what has changed.
Why is peace an actual feeling I find after a year of turmoil and regret?
How do I manage to enjoy life, when just last month it seemed too much to bear?

What in the world has changed?

I can't really tell for sure. But I think...and I might just eat my words at the next go round of blogging...because I am a foot-eater...many, many times.

But..for now, I think my peace has been found because my perspective has changed. And I am not talking about a one-moment time. I am talking about that ol' school analogy of the Refiner's Fire. I have peace because I have finally realized just how big God is...and how much GRACE He truly has...not just for me the believer, but for those who don't even believe.

Yep. You can say I am wrong, that I am being a weenie in the evangelical world. But, if there is one thing living with an atheist has taught me, it's the dangers of preaching my own darn agenda. Ugh. There are three things I used to do that push non-believers further and further away from Truth:

1. In the past, I have said that I know what God's saying. Um...that is just not okay. I have a sliver of a glimpse at who God is and what He says He does, but in my every day circumstances I think it's safe to say, "Perhaps" and "Maybe" and "I wonder"...because putting words in the mouth of God is just...dangerous.

It's risking the salvation of those around me...those who I might just be there to help along the path called faith.

When I say "I know" or "God said this to me" (and I didn't hear Him but I just "think") I put God in a very constricting box that can be reasoned away from existence, that can be considered luny to the every day non-believer.

It's giving God a bad rap...even if the intentions are pure.

2. I treated the Bible as a science book. It's a very very important book...it's my only firm foundation in God's heart and His ways...but now, I truly believe it was never meant to explain the intricacy of creation nor to be something we sift through to distinguish God's perfect timing in our present. God is SOOOO much bigger than the words man is inspired by. And absolutely, the inspiration is from God, but I don't think it could ever explain away the amazing mystery of God. I truly believe that the intricacy of scientific discovery is a gift from God to lead his creation in their curiosity...but we will never know all of it. That's the beauty of it, really. A longing to discover, and a Provider who will lead us and gift us the knowledge as He feels is best.

3. I used to disregard the magnitude of God. I'd minimize Him to be my best friend and my genie. I expected blessings because of my belief, and I considered EVERYTHING materialistic, healthy, and life-giving a blessing from God. What of curses? What of those who have dying babies and dying wives and bankruptcy? Is God not there for those people? Something that I find disturbing is when people equate earthly blessings with faithfulness and obedience. I think that God is so much deeper than the material. Could a blessing not be the character born from trials? Could a blessing not be the broken spirit crying for God because her husband has turned his back on faith? Isn't the shaping of the heart the most coveted blessing? I fear it is not in this world of "I give, so I must receive." And the rich atheistic billionaires out there say, "Ha. What is blessing if I have it all?" They scoff at our God and think they've proven His nonexistence.

I truly apologize if I've stepped on toes. But I am truly honest when I find that I can only point the source of my peace to really stepping away from "knowing it all" and embracing the fact that "I'll never know it all" and God's Grace truly is without bounds.

Prayer. I need it. And I need to remind myself every day Who God is and What He Has Done For Me...but not in the house, the kids, the life...but in my heart. In my complete brokenness knowing I am not worth any of it...except through His Grace.

And by His Grace, I am a treasure. I am loved.

Happy 2015!