I sit here and wonder what has changed.
Why is peace an actual feeling I find after a year of turmoil and regret?
How do I manage to enjoy life, when just last month it seemed too much to bear?
What in the world has changed?
I can't really tell for sure. But I think...and I might just eat my words at the next go round of blogging...because I am a foot-eater...many, many times.
But..for now, I think my peace has been found because my perspective has changed. And I am not talking about a one-moment time. I am talking about that ol' school analogy of the Refiner's Fire. I have peace because I have finally realized just how big God is...and how much GRACE He truly has...not just for me the believer, but for those who don't even believe.
Yep. You can say I am wrong, that I am being a weenie in the evangelical world. But, if there is one thing living with an atheist has taught me, it's the dangers of preaching my own darn agenda. Ugh. There are three things I used to do that push non-believers further and further away from Truth:
1. In the past, I have said that I know what God's saying. Um...that is just not okay. I have a sliver of a glimpse at who God is and what He says He does, but in my every day circumstances I think it's safe to say, "Perhaps" and "Maybe" and "I wonder"...because putting words in the mouth of God is just...dangerous.
It's risking the salvation of those around me...those who I might just be there to help along the path called faith.
When I say "I know" or "God said this to me" (and I didn't hear Him but I just "think") I put God in a very constricting box that can be reasoned away from existence, that can be considered luny to the every day non-believer.
It's giving God a bad rap...even if the intentions are pure.
2. I treated the Bible as a science book. It's a very very important book...it's my only firm foundation in God's heart and His ways...but now, I truly believe it was never meant to explain the intricacy of creation nor to be something we sift through to distinguish God's perfect timing in our present. God is SOOOO much bigger than the words man is inspired by. And absolutely, the inspiration is from God, but I don't think it could ever explain away the amazing mystery of God. I truly believe that the intricacy of scientific discovery is a gift from God to lead his creation in their curiosity...but we will never know all of it. That's the beauty of it, really. A longing to discover, and a Provider who will lead us and gift us the knowledge as He feels is best.
3. I used to disregard the magnitude of God. I'd minimize Him to be my best friend and my genie. I expected blessings because of my belief, and I considered EVERYTHING materialistic, healthy, and life-giving a blessing from God. What of curses? What of those who have dying babies and dying wives and bankruptcy? Is God not there for those people? Something that I find disturbing is when people equate earthly blessings with faithfulness and obedience. I think that God is so much deeper than the material. Could a blessing not be the character born from trials? Could a blessing not be the broken spirit crying for God because her husband has turned his back on faith? Isn't the shaping of the heart the most coveted blessing? I fear it is not in this world of "I give, so I must receive." And the rich atheistic billionaires out there say, "Ha. What is blessing if I have it all?" They scoff at our God and think they've proven His nonexistence.
I truly apologize if I've stepped on toes. But I am truly honest when I find that I can only point the source of my peace to really stepping away from "knowing it all" and embracing the fact that "I'll never know it all" and God's Grace truly is without bounds.
Prayer. I need it. And I need to remind myself every day Who God is and What He Has Done For Me...but not in the house, the kids, the life...but in my heart. In my complete brokenness knowing I am not worth any of it...except through His Grace.
And by His Grace, I am a treasure. I am loved.