Saturday, April 15, 2017

I am that mom.

I am that mom.

The one who has a gaggle of kids, sitting alone in church.

I am that mom. The one you look at with pity--or criticism--the mom who has a kid sitting in her gaggle who just did THAT in church, when everyone is silent and the pastor's praying.

I am that mom, whose shoulders shake during the prayer because I'm crying so hard at my circumstance, my humiliation, and my anticipation of what's coming next. What's the next disruption my family can manage to include in this one hour long beating of sitting together to focus on the beating of a Savior?

I am that mom, who you might think needs a good talking to because her children are OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW, but they don't behave, and they are disrespectful and loud and angry and giggly and all the things we were never allowed to be in church.

I am that mom who read the SAME parenting books as the mom across the aisle whose kids sit nicely and behave.

I am that mom who may have once judged another mom whose kids were out of control at church, and was miffed that they would disrupt my worship session.

I am that mom who's eating crow.

I am that mom whose family is broken. We just are. We are all grieving. And every church service is a flat-out reminder that we are still in the cycle of grief. Sure, we might not have suffered divorce, or death, or financial ruin--but we are grieving just the same.

Is that why my children--the gifted and talented one, the superstar athlete one, the compassionate, ginormous heart one, and the larger-than-life one--become weighted down with bad behavior when we sit there, trying to focus on the God Who was flushed away by the one person we all love so very much?

I am crushed by my embarrassment. I am absolutely distraught in my hopelessness. And I find myself on the verge of tears even twelve hours later.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever felt like an ant under a spy glass with your tribe throwing knives at you?

My only saving grace is a friend who was there to listen to me weep afterward. A friend who understands the immense pressure I feel, and the possible ground of attack that has replaced our foundation.

I am that mom, who might just let her kids sleep in on Sunday morning, and many Sundays after.

I am that mom, who, if you see me with my eyes closed in prayer, with five empty seats about me, I am praying my heart out for my family.

For the grief.

For the healing.

But most importantly...

For a hopeful future season of renewal and resurrection. And if I see another mom, struggling to maintain her composure, I can be of encouragement and tell her I've been that mom too.


  1. Angie, sweet friend, you are not alone. Every parent feels the exact same way. I'm horrible when it comes to comparing the behavior of my children to other kids. I think it's because every looks perfect at church. We can all wear a mask, that covers our pain and struggle, really well. The fact you posted this tells me you are a great mom.

    1. You are so sweet. Thank you, Stacey. I am just so emotionally exhausted right now. But, it does help to know that I am not alone in this. Thanks for commenting, and sharing on Facebook. :)

  2. Although I only have one, her behavioral issues sometimes seem like a gaggle sitting beside me. I teach her Sunday school class, which she often "holds hostage" with her behavior. The good thing is, God is our only judge, and Jesus wanted all the children and all the people to gather to Him and to know Him. There is no better place for them to be but in church. If only through osmosis, they'll eventually absorb His love...while eternally driving you crazy.

  3. Oh honey, I understand. I totally and completely understand. AND I send you hugs and promises of prayers.
    I've been there, I'm still there.

  4. Been in your shoes. Walking with you and love you, sister.

  5. The Lord knows what we have to work with, our limitations and our heartaches. Thankfully His is the only judgment that matters. We all have our trials, and I really admire those who keep trying. <3

  6. Thanks, friend. I am so glad to have such uplifting friends like you!