Thursday, October 4, 2012

Not just a bus ride.

Three excited boys ready to go!
 The tears are freshly wiped away. My heart is slowing and my mind is clear. How can such a simple task work me up into such an emotional flurry?

Today, I took another step outside of my little world...or shall I say I let my boys take that step. We've gone from private Christian school, to public school, to riding the bus to public school. Okay, for some of you, this may seem a little step...not even a step really, just a part of the expected setting of school age kids. But for me? For this secret bubble-coveting mama, sending my boys off to the bus is HUGE.

As I had my cry session after closing the front door to the rumble of the passing bus, I connected two dots on my parental map. Because this feeling of "cutting the apron strings", and the doubts that creep into my mind, are reminiscent to those from the first week of knowing we were making the big switch to public school.

And they all boil down to one ugly truth: The words of others cause my spirit to stumble.

It's nobody's fault but my own.

I have let the horror stories whispered by mothers and children, not just throughout these past few years, but throughout my whole life, take root in my memory bank and slow me down from completely walking in faith during these school days. I've hindered the embracing hand of God in taking over and carrying my children along, even without my coddling. Even in the secular school, even on the notorious bus ride.

The same kind of words affected me those first few days of switching to public school. Only stories, only expectations, not necessarily God's plan for my children. 

Why do I let the words of others shape my anxiety? And why don't I choose the very real possibility that my kids might enjoy it, might never come across the horror scene in my mind, might make life-long friends in that two by two row on the ride to school?

It's so easy to dwell on the negative and give it permission to hide any light of hope, isn't it?

How appropriate that my memory verse for my Bible study this week is:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;  
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139-24-25

To be led in His everlasting way is more satisfying than allowing my own anxious thoughts to consume me. It is only by Him that I can find peace at all.

We covered this morning in prayer. As we always pray during the drive to school, the boys and I sat around our living room and prayed before walking down the driveway to the bus. It's the same God we prayed too, the same provisions we sought...only, their day away from me started a bit earlier than normal.

And in faith, I'll wait with patience to hear about it as I always do.

Thank you Father, for being the God Who Sees, the Great Provider, the Heavenly Daddy. You care for my children even more than me!!!

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful post. Thank you for writing with honesty. I can be quite guilty of letting the world dictate my anxiety level. It's only after tears and stomach aches that I realize God is patiently waiting to hold me and wipe my tears. Our babies are so precious to us. Setting them free little by little can take my breath away. I want to hold on for dear life. I have to remind myself that when I let go God never does. Xoxo