Night time is the worse.
It's when I look back and think of all the, "I can't believe you didn't listen to me!" and, "How many times have I told you to pick up your plate?", and "It's past your bedtime, stop whispering!"
Mama-guilt kicks in, and I think, "Was it really that bad? Enough for me to snap at them? Enough for me to give them that look?" (And it's an ugly look I can give, believe me. I often tap into my drama background. There have been many times when I use the mirror to see exactly what expression fit the scenario. IT's not pretty!)
The thing is, when I allow my emotions to throw up all over the petty stuff, I have tapped myself out for the big stuff that is most definitely ahead.
So when I am faced with the, "He's got some major resentment," or, "She is begging for attention," or "We might need to call a counselor"... I feel like crawling in the shadows and hanging my head in shame. It's when I regret emotional throwing up at the little stuff in the shadow of the big stuff.
Why do I allow my emotions to erupt over ridiculous little things that kids are bound to do and say, and then feel emotionally spent when I need it most--for the important, life-shaping, supermom-sized stuff? And when I spend it all on the kids...then it surely does not help me on the marriage front!
It's been way too long since I soaked in the Word of God, or read a really good non-fiction book. I have a journaling Bible on its way, and I just picked up Jen Hatmaker's newest, For The Love.
Honestly, without a Tardis, the only way I can ensure a reserve to fill up, is by pouring into my heart.
No matter how much I have procrastinated, or have been scared to commit, or just don't know what it might look like now, I am primed for a change. And it starts with a page...or ten...and a God who cares enough to handle the small stuff AND the big stuff.
It's Mama Drama Monday. May it be a sane one!