My dream of writing seemed to inch away from me as I didn't move forward in a contest, and my email was a stagnant inbox of junk mail...no requests from agents, no mentions of possible representation.
Most of all, I had broken the scales of that fine heart balance between family and writing, and began my spiral to an unhealthy view of my passion.
That Sunday, I got my family settled at home after church, and drove to a nearby park with my Bible in the passenger's seat. I needed to think--actually, I needed to pray. I desperately needed to call out to God and sort the mess in my spirit.
And while I parked under the beauty of spidery tree limbs, I leaned into God and allowed the Spirit to petition for me. I was too tired to form words, I was too tired to open the Bible....I was so tired, I actually fell asleep! For an hour and a half! Not only was my mind exhausted from all the mixed signals of life, my body was exhausted from all the life of being a mom, a wife, an aspiring writer. HA! I never fall asleep in public...I must have needed it!
When I woke up, I picked up the Bible, read a little, and then started the car and began my drive home. And that is when I truly cried to God. And that is when I heard Him:
You are right where I want you.
He had me right where He wanted me as a writer who had submissions sent to prospective agents and editors, regardless of a subjective writing contest. And, He had me right where He wanted me as a child of God who finally became desperate enough to place IT ALL at arm's length and realize I was holding too close and not grasping the only thing that truly matters-- my relationship with Christ.
Some of you know the end of this story...or shall I say, the bright new beginning? The next week, amazing, wonderful things began to happen, and an agent I have very much respected and enjoyed meeting at the ACFW conference, offered to represent me!
I had planned on that next week to step away from writing for a while...to heal the wound I had caused, and sort out what God really wanted for me....and you know what, God had me right where He wanted me!!! He knew that I needed to fall into Him, to find humility and peace in Him alone...and when I did, He blessed me abundantly that entire next week!
So, the following Monday, a week after I completely surrendered to my God, I decided that He's giving me more hope to pursue His gift of writing, and I became the new client of Tamela Hancock Murray with The Steve Laube Agency.
Throughout my journey, I notice a cycle that is as old as time...well, it's as old as the book of Exodus at least! I need God, I cry out, He listens and helps me, I rejoice in His provision, then I FORGET, then I stumble, I need God, I cry out, He listens....just like the Israelites.
Wow, what an amazing God we have?? What a terrible memory my heart has! I pray that I remember better this time, because as the Psalmist said,
"Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b
And right now, I am in a bright new morning, right where God wants me.