Sunday, January 14, 2018

My Holy Rubble


For the past four years, I've had this song in my heart. It's the song that would erupt when I sat in a puddle of defeat, splashing about, trying to find one ounce of hope in the mess. It holds the words that would crop up on my tongue when my spirit could only groan.

But I didn't know all the words. I just knew the first few,

Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, God in Three Persons, Blessed Trinity.

And those weren't even in the correct order...I just knew, Holy Holy Holy is what my heart could muster when my head was blanketed in darkness. I didn't even think to look up the words, I just let them come forth and sprinkle some kind of partial comfort for my ears, maybe my heart.

During the singing, I'd think of Isaiah before the throne, with a red hot coal on his tongue. I'd think of the Cherubim and Seraphim and the unworthiness of a man and the great mercy of God Almighty. And I'd beg that God would stay close, even though I felt abandoned.

I'd remind myself, that even though He seemed absent, He had a hold of me beyond my comprehension. No matter how strapped to this earth I was, with this life I had sculpted for myself crumbling at my feet, there was something so much greater out there promising me more.

Even though I didn't feel it. Even if it was hard to believe.

While my flesh rebelled, and my tongue lashed out, my spirit still sang, Holy, Holy, Holy. My spirit still sings Holy, Holy, Holy, when any prayer falls bankrupt.


Today, I sang the song again, but not in the confines of my closet where I'd hide my crying fits. Today, I sang it with the words in front of me, words that I did not realize were part of it.

Holy, Holy, Holy
Though The Darkness Hide Thee
Though the Eyes of Sinful Man Thy Glory May Not See

Oh how my soul had sung those first three words over and over like a skipped rock that sank into the pool at the third skip...potential and momentum lost...sinking deep into darkness.

Would I have found comfort in knowing that darkness had the power to hide Him, and would I have fought harder to escape it when blinded from His Glory?

Could it have been God's plan all along, to allow me to sit in the darkness, void of the Glory I longed for, with only the rubble that had been my life surrounding me, in need of being sifted through so I could find a new path to Him? One that was untainted by my opinions and biases and walls...one that shone truer His Power, His Love, and His Purity?

The more distance I put between myself and the rubble of my darkest season, the deeper I go, the bigger He gets, and the Holy declarations become more my heart's song than ever before, even if darkness is there, and I know the words now--Holy is He, and my soul sings it regardless of my mind. I've been given the next glimpse into more, and I believe it's because this is the time that my heart can handle the next words...when my heart had battled and discovered the truth behind them.

Holy, holy, holy
Lord God almighty
Early in the morning my song shall rise to thee
Holy. holy, holy
Merciful and mighty
God in three persons, blessed Trinity
Holy, holy, holy
All the saints adore Thee
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea
All the cherubim and seraphim are falling down before Thee
Which wert and art and evermore shalt be
Holy, holy, holy
Though the darkness hide Thee
Though the eyes of sinful man Thy glory may not see
Lord, only Thou art holy and there is none beside Thee
Perfect in power, in love and purity
And one day, I'll sing these with Truth abounding:

Holy, holy, holy
Lord God almighty
All Thy works shall praise Thy name in earth and sky and sea
Holy, holy, holy
Merciful and mighty
You are God in three persons, blessed Trinity
You are God in three persons, blessed Trinity
Oh, God in three persons, blessed Trinity

(Holy, Holy, Holy, by Donnie McClurkin)

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