I am reading Richard J. Foster's book, Prayer.
I am seeing God in a whole new way. An authentic way. A grace-filled way. My glasses have been removed during this journey post-valley walking in my marriage (although, sometimes, I wonder if I'm just walking through a higher plane in the valley. Not quite sure that I've cleared this valley. Sometimes, not sure I've seen the light except for glimpses).
God's grown bigger...but fuzzier too. I think it's because I always tried keeping Him in the frame of my "glasses" and now that they're gone, I am blown away by how much bigger He really is.
This book that I'm reading though, has given me permission to do something I've rarely done before--Complain to God ABOUT HIS absence. It's strange that I've never thought to do it before, because this no-no in my head, is all over the Scripture.
It seems disrespectful, ungrateful, irreverent. A sin.
But, just like the psalmists and others before me, sometimes, I just gotta. Just like when I try and share my concern with my husband, or complain to him about the crap we deal with in our lack of communication and unequally-yoked ground. It just has to come out for my own pent-up heart overflow.
Same thing with God. I've got to figure out some stuff, and it has to do with Him...or the lack of His action in my life.
Above all else though, He's the safe place to do it too.
If God is really my Father, then, just like my children so often do to me, I can complain to Him. He can handle it.
So yeah. I am going to leave this post there. Kinda itchy, kinda gravely on my tongue. A bit aggravating and non-conclusive. We are humans. And, although we want answers and we want them now, life just doesn't happen that way.
But, I can complain about it in a safe place.
Before I end actually, I'll include Psalm 13 for example. He's big enough. And I am only going to grow deep if I get my fit out. The thing is, I KNOW, He'll still meet me on the other side of that fit. That's Grace. Isn't it?