|a kiss from long ago..sans curls|
Perhaps my middle-aged hormones are kicking in (I remember a time, not too long ago, where "Middle Age" only pertained to me because of my love of history...now, it's a real aspect of the present me. ACK. A blog post for another time).
Maybe, my over-active imagination is a bit swollen today since I am hunkering down to tackle edits and brainstorms. But, when I dropped my kindergartner off today, about a month into school starting, I nearly wept on the way home. It was a strange feeling because of what triggered it.
It was a kiss.
Ever had a hug or a kiss linger as you walk away? I could still feel her curls on my chin and her forehead on my lips. Her small whimper signaling the bittersweet goodbye echoed in my ears when I was almost a block away, and her hand on my neck left its warmth even as I turned on the highway.
What a blessing.
To leave her in the care of her teacher but take a reminder of my love home with me.
But my mind is a vicious thing, and it taunted me:
What if that's all you have left of her? What if that was the last kiss?
|Half of my loves walking the halls|
school. Um, I really don't how far back I can go to a time that it never crossed a mama's mind, the morbid thoughts have been a sad reality for nearly my entire adult life.
Fear grips me, and I want to head back to the school and say, "Never mind, World, I am not giving my children to you. I will do this thing myself."
Been there, done that--didn't go so well. My relationship with my oldest is still on the mends from our brief season of homeschooling (and I am not saying that all homeschool parents choose to educate out of fear. I know they don't. I know some are ten times better than any teacher, and some are given a gift that I, unfortunately, do not possess).
Fear is a crazy voice--it tells me to linger at the school...take my computer and set up shop in the school parking lot so I can keep an eye on the creeps that enter those doors. Hmmm....that would not be so bad...
Fear is never rational, is it?
There is only one thing that can squelch my fear and assure me that there is a last kiss well beyond the future's horizon. And that's my hope.
Hope in things unseen. Hope in a Good Father who cares more for my children than I do. Hope in a school staff who do everything they can to make my children safe. Hope in Love. Hope in Good.
Only through Hope can I step into the unknown with confidence and peace.
And so, as I sit here, ready to dive into edits five miles from my children, I realize that my pulse has calmed and the Peace that surpasses all understanding has invaded my heart.
Instead of panic in that last kiss of mine, I can find joy in the lasting kiss that it was, and the next kiss that will last too.
Have a beautiful weekend, and hold close those that you love.