It's when I get in those funks of wanting to consume my time with writing, or job hunting, or blogging, or Facebook arguments, or....yeah, anything that distracts me from the here and now moment of motherhood, marriage, and household management, that I realize I am trying to replace my needs with my wants.
Suddenly, I am squeezing real life in these mini-breaks from my wannas, maybes, and only ifs. There's something inside me that opens up like a great big chasm, reminding me that I am not satisfied or adequate. I go around in a veil of gloom, stepping toward an edge that might doom me into broken relationship because of my shameful words or actions that dismiss the most important parts of life right now--motherhood, marriage, and household management.
Yeah, you might tell that I am not in the mood for eloquence in this post.
It's because I just feel so... annoyed with myself.
Today, I arrived at my daughter's preschool early, parked, and decided to take a walk in the nearby neighborhood. Not many days left where that is even appealing. But today was decent, cool, and not too uncomfortable out. I am on Day 3 of my pastor's challenge to stay in Psalm 23, so I looked up the next part of the Psalm on my out-dated iPhone 5.
And the next part was,
"I shall not want."
Perfect timing huh? I mean within minutes of me telling my husband I was disappointed with the way things are going in my pursuit of my dreams, potential work, and overall purpose.
But, the Guy doing the shepherding is not very subtle in His job of "guiding me" as He should. And in that fifteen minute walk, He led me...maybe not through a valley, but away from the edge.
The Lord is my Shepherd, even when I am not listening or when I am throwing a fit. If I just stop and listen, I might just not want for anything...but Him.
He sits at the proverbial gate of my pen, protecting me, the stupid sheep trying my darndest to carve my own path. Pretty hard when my carving always leads to Him. He's not easily ignored. And He certainly knows exactly what I need.