Alone in the Pew

Today was my third service at a new church.
It has been hard. Each time.
Didn't realize it would be so hard.
My husband lets me to take the children to church, even though he disagrees with faith altogether.
Like I said, I didn't know it would be so hard. Each time, I am a blubbering fool. Each time I am reminded of a dream crushed beneath a cynic's feet. And each time I realize that I am stepping out on a new frontier after 18 years of sitting beside my best friend in God's house. I am that woman. Alone, maybe with her tween son beside her, but no equally yoked man. Nope, I am alone in the pew, allowing God too minister to me....alone.
I didn't know it would be so hard.
But it is good.
Today, the pastor preached on traditions. If you know me, I have cast off a lot of traditions. I didn't realize it would come to the tradition of worshipping and fellowship with my husband beside me. But as the pastor stated, If the tradition builds a wall between you and God--cast it off, and if it is a tradition that brings about the good news of Christ---keep it.
I am choosing to realize, I am keeping the tradition of church in my life...no matter how difficult it is to keep going. It is good and brings me to God, and proclaims Jesus in my heart and the hearts of my children.
I sat there today, thinking about the hardships and how I could smile in the midst of the toil. But, after some tears, I was able. God is so close. And He is allowing this to happen for a reason. And I am no coward. I can handle it. He made me. He knows I can.
And He is getting to spend time with me more than ever.
Even when it is so hard. He is worth the tradition.