"There is nobody in our lives that is a bigger obstacle to our calling than ourselves. We can protect ourselves right out of our callings." - Beth Moore, Esther Session 4.
I am amazed at the work that has been done in me during my study of Esther with Beth Moore. I am in awe of its timeliness in my life (as usual when I take one of her studies). As Beth would say, "I can't wait to show you this"...what God has mightily done in me that needs to be shared!
Through many of my previous postings, I have shared my "a-ha" moments from this study...(look at Mommy Destiny, Patience Found, Hearts at Home..) The subtitle of this study was, "It's Tough Being a Woman". And although I did discover certain things about myself as a woman, I mostly found redemption for "It's tough being a mother."
Glance up at the quote at the beginning...this is something that twisted inside me, emerged in a refreshed affirmation of my love of motherhood at the Hearts at Home conference, and caused a complete 180 leap right before my eyes, when not only me, but Cody as well, were convicted about a life changing decision.
Some of you may think I am talking about adoption. And at first, I really thought that's what God was saying when things started to line up. But oddly enough, God was filling me with a longing that was deeper than my desire to adopt. I somehow knew, that even though I thought we were ready to proceed, the longing to adopt wasn't mature enough to endure the wait and emotional energy to survive it. No, our timing to adopt is not yet. The lesson in our study on Patience helped uncover that truth now that I look back on it.
But God did grow a deep desire in me, these past few months, something that was a complete "reversal of destiny" (another Beth Moore-ism) of what I used to long for- Over last year, I was so settled on focusing on me, and who I was, my longing for my "babies" to grow up so I could move forward was an irritating tension in my heart. Through the emotional and spiritual growth that so often blossoms from a Beth Moore study, I began to long for a baby again. Actually, not just a baby, a pregnancy. Most of you know how much I disliked being pregnant ALL THREE TIMES, so this was definitely a complete reversal of Angie's preferences!
I shed away the fear of other's opinions about, "four is too much", or "what if it's not a girl", or "you have your hands full already". I shed away the insecurity that I couldn't handle it, and that our three boys would maybe suffer from sharing our attention with one more sibling. Honestly, I saw my calling loud and clear, to grow our family, whether it be another rambunctious boy, or an unfamiliar little girl...and solidifying the decision, Cody felt the nudge as strong as anything also.
So, I am one step closer to fulfilling this new family make-up. After the long process of extinguishing uncertainty and insecurity, God has blessed us with another pregnancy!
I look back on this past winter and spring, and jump for joy (and relief- I really didn't like how hollow my focus on "me" felt!)- I jump for joy that I didn't miss the jolt of heart searching introspectiveness from my study to set me on a firm foundation and give me the strength to grasp intentional parenting of not only three children, but a fourth as well. And although I am grateful to my study's effectiveness, I truly know that it was all God speaking to me because I finally sat down and listened.
Please pray for us, since we are really early in the pregnancy! I am taking it easy, and trying to continue life with three boys as normal as possible! :)