The beauty of the weather is an ironic mask to the sorrow of my heart. Suddenly, with little preparation, my unborn child is slipping away from my dreams, and will soon be waiting for me in my Father's arms. It took me by surprise how devastating it feels to lose someone I've never met. Part of me wishes I hadn't revealed my pregnancy so I could find a hole, crawl into it, and wait for this to pass, emerging as pre-pregnancy mother of three, happy and blessed. No one would be the wiser. But I didn't choose that path and the benefit of my choice to let people know about my pregnancy so early, outweighs the cost of having to reveal the miscarriage. Prayers have carried me through these past hours. Family and friends have comforted me with phone calls and assuring words. God is close. My Joy isn't completely gone, just sharing my heart with Sadness.
This pregnancy was a great mark of obedience and calling in this time in my life. And although it could have shaken my faith in God's voice, it only affirms my need of Him in all aspects of my life- at all times- not just when I want Him to bless me. I am not giving up on my calling.
My deep desire to grow our family is ever-present, or I wouldn't be so sad at the loss of that potential. I have complete Faith that God still wants to bless us with a fourth child. And even if I have been caressing the edge of anger and confusion, I find hope that this whole thing will only strengthen my appreciation for my future child all the more. Please see my previous post if you haven't read it. It's an awesome song that will be played many times this weekend!