Some of you know that this was a tough winter for me. It really started in October and I was buried in self-pity and discontentment along with a couple of feet of snow! It really came to a big fat eye opening lecture from my mom to help turn it all around for me. She didn't say much, but she did remind me of why I chose to put off a career and stay home with my kids and she pointed out that my attitude needed major adjusting if I was going to get through this motherhood thing with any kind of grace.
As I look back on it, I realize my longing to head to Texas over Christmas break, wasn't just homesickness, but God's prodding to get me to sit on that couch with my mom, that particular day, and knock some sense into me!
Hopefully, I will not be back under that heap of junk next winter...especially now that I can be considered an Iowa Winter veteran... I will certainly guard my heart a bit more as the wintry season approaches and maybe prepare myself better for the hibernation of my social life.
Today, it all became completed in a chiastic structure, just as the Scriptures illustrate. This is a new fancy term I learned from Beth Moore in my Bible study of Esther. She pointed out some very powerful uses of the mirroring effect, that I can't go into detail now (I wouldn't even know how to explain it), but OH MY...can I just say her words re-confirmed my belief the Christ and what He came to do, and will do in the future...through a literary lesson on words!!! To be brief, the chiastic structure is a crisscross of wording...for example, "I live to eat or I eat to live." It parallels the same terms in a mirrored way to show a specific truth. Anyway, I won't bore you with anymore of it, but I am excited to live by a new term now as I have made up a chiastic structure for myself:
"Because I am fulfilled I am the best mom I can be....Because I am the best mom I can be I am fulfilled!"
I have struggled with finding my value in things of this world...becoming a writer, a coordinator of a ministry, a socialite (ha), finding a possible path to higher education...but I have pushed aside the most fulfilling thing of all, Motherhood. My ability to throw myself down into a perfect little fit, is what my flesh desires most when it comes to doing what I want to do to make myself known. But over these past few months, I have discovered that my focus was all wrong, and although I still need the "me" time in my life to refuel, it's not to refuel my value, just my SANITY! I kept grasping for fulfillment elsewhere to then give my kids a good mom, but I really need to focus on becoming a good mom to find fulfillment in just that. Of course, I ultimately find my value in Christ, but the greatest challenge He has bestowed upon me is growing up young boys into Godly men...and that is and will be the most fulfilling task I have ever taken on.
So, how will I choose to live my life now? Not waiting for the next stage where I need to figure out what Angie's going to do with herself...but living in this moment at this time when a lesson pops up in the daily monotony, one maybe for my kids but also for me as their guide, and fulfillment is really becomes a choice of mindset- not a selfish coveted thing of self-worth. I might not be making much sense, but it's a great thing for me to realize this while my kids are young and I have time to be the best mom I can be!