Friday, May 16, 2014

Dust Storm

I haven't been here lately.

It's kinda been dry around one huge drought in my heart and in my life. I've been on my knees a lot, crawling one day at a time to the only One who quenches my thirst. And He only gives me enough to get through the day. I must return to Him each morning, every hour, to travel on this road.

This week has been an oasis, or maybe a foretelling of what it can be like to reach the fertile land.  Yet, nothing has changed really. Or at least, what I want to change. But, the shadow of His hand has certainly brought some peace over this place.

Perhaps, I am just emerging from a dust storm, and while everything is still coated in the stuff (I think upon my days in West Texas), the wind has settled and I have a chance to breathe in deeply.

So if you wonder if my blog is tossed to the wayside like a digital tumbleweed...then I guess it might have been. Sometimes, life scorches our hearts and keeps us in survival mode.

It's been a journey. One that I thought I would never EVER survive, but one where I have found peace and joy amidst it all. Consider my trials joy? Didn't experience that before, but I have a glimpse of that possibility...

But it's only with God.

Only with Him.

Only through God can a heart stand the heat. And only in Him can I continue through the desert. Perhaps I will start blogging regularly again? We'll see. No promises made, but know that I want to try.

Praising and hoping!


Friday, May 2, 2014

A Believer's Cry

"Okay, Lord, I can't do it anymore."


"Lord, I am done! I get it. Please, make it stop now!"

"I love you, and don't want you to hurt."

"Great. So stop it now."

"I don't want you to feel this way, but I have work to do."

"But I am miserable. My heart is broken and I can't see straight through the tears all day and all night. How can you let me feel like this?"

"You can't see it, but if I stopped now, you'd miss so much. There is more to be done, and it is worth the wait. I promise."

"Promise? I am not seeing any of your promises filled right now. I feel alone. I feel hopeless."

"I know. And I know how much you can handle. And you are doing it. You are handling it. Even if it doesn't feel good or you feel alone. You aren't alone and you are still praying. You haven't given up. You may feel like you have, but you are still fighting. And I will continue to be with you and hold your fists for you. It's through MY strength that you are still here talking to me. I won't let you break. I need you to keep going...just a little longer."

"But I am so weary. I want to quit."

"You won't though. I know you, and I know what lies ahead. Trust me. I won't leave you or forsake you. You will not quit before I am done. I love you. I only want what's best for you."

"And this is it?"


"Will you stay with me through it?"

"Of course."

"Please don't let me go."

"Never. You are mine, and I am yours. A little longer. Just wait."

"I trust You."

"I know. I wouldn't expect so much if I didn't know that."

"Just a little longer. Please. Hurry."

Thursday, May 1, 2014

It's Personal

When I was younger, I didn't really get the whole "personal relationship" thing with Jesus. It seemed so...Protestant. And I was certainly not familiar with that.

Well...eighteen years later, I think I am finally "getting" it. And it isn't just a sitting side-by-side-with- God-watching-the-movie-of-life-and-sharing-a-popcorn-bin-but-only-speaking-when-it's- a-lull-in-the- show.


It is more of the type of relationship where you invest your heart and energy to truly get to know Him, and you aren't just the talker and He isn't just the listener, but you listen, too.
I have been known to talk. Too much. And I have also caught myself (shameful lowering of head at this moment), to tune out a friend and formulate my next response. YIKES!! There must be a personality type that goes along with that...please don't say ego-maniac.

But, I have found, if I truly listen and wait on God, He doesn't just whisper, pass the route 44, and that's it. He bypasses the small talk and speaks directly to my heart...usually, filling it with the truth that sets me free--to be quite dramatic in a very truthful way.

There have been moments where He has not just assured me in our conversation, but has overwhelmed with His spirit's direction. So much so that I can hardly contain my heart from pounding clear out of my chest.

And it always, ALWAYS aligns with a deep truth in His word. He's not just giving me a whisper here and there to remind me that he's sitting in the same row...He's taking me by the hands and giving me His undivided attention no matter how loud the movie of life is clattering in the background.

There is such joy in that. And I get so mad at myself for allowing my circumstance to smother the joy. I think I get confused with joy and happiness. Happiness is certainly fleeting. It is finding a joyful moment in the flesh. It is a surface kind of feeling. Kinda like the happiness of sitting at a good movie with a good friend and enjoying a bucket of popcorn...maybe some m&m's too.
But joy...Joy is wrapped up in a deep belief in knowing that you are cared for, and that great things are to come beyond the credits, beyond 'The End". Joy is knowing that you don't just have a friend to pass the time with, you have a Soul mate who fills your bucket with just what you need.

Yep, after eighteen years, I have finally started to listen and understand this personal relationship thing. And it really is personal. And it really is real. And it's so much better than a date on a Friday night.